Is this funny?

[Mr.Anderson]

Me and my friends do like a sketch show kinda thing, and im writing a sketch for it called "Cookie Control Squad". Its like a stupid cop parody thing where cookies are like illegal drugs and they're stopping cookie users and arresting them and stuff. Its not done yet but just tell me what you think.

Cookie Control Squad-

FADE IN:
(INT.DAY-POLICE OFFICERS CAR)
Looking at camera. With an overly gravely voice.
JOHNSON(MATT)
I hope you can hang on for the ride there camera man, being a cookie control officer ain’t easy. I’ve seen a lot of rough things being a veteran, I seen kids overdosed on cookies younger than my kids. Its hard, but it hardens you over time. And I’ve always got Mr.Tiddlywinks to keep me company, isn’t that right Mr.Tiddlywinks? (He cuddles a small stuffed animal) God I love you. Anyways, talk to my squad, they’ll fill ya in on the rest.
CARTER(WILL)
I’m Carter! I’m the nob cop, I contradict everything I’m told! I hate authority and I go to the gun without hesitation! Shoot first ask questions later!!
BILLY(CALEB)
Howdy I’m Billy! I’m the rookie cop! I’m fresh out of the academy and out to prove myself. I’m eager to learn! And I’ll probably get killed doing something stupid!
BACKGROUND COP(ANDREW)
Hi there. I’m the background cop, I’m that first guy that gets his head blown off to interrupt a boring scene, you know basically like a red shirt from star trek. I’ll probably bite it soon.
Back to Johnson.
JOHNSON
Well, that’s my elite team of generic cop stereo types (the police radio interrupts him) Oh wait…whats this? We’ve got a 4820-orangerburgA!
BILLY
What does that mean?
JOHNSON
I dunno (looks directly into camera) But when its got that many numbers…you know something serious is goin down.

[wildabeast009]

Haha. That's pretty funny. The end is kind of wierd. Looking directly into camera? I dunno about that one. But otherwise, really funny.

[dennismv]

Yeah, I also don't know about looking directly at the camera. I'd try to avoid it, unless you are trying to get a specific effect.

I'd reserve looking into the camera for something really important, and not overuse it. For example, later on when something really goes haywire, then have the leading guy look straight in the camera and say something like "we're way screwed". To achieve this kind of effect, I wouldn't look in the camera right from the start, but only once or twice throughout the whole sketch/series.

On the other hand if you have some actor who shares his story with the audience and narrates things throughout the sketch, then yeah, have him look in the camera, as if they are sharing their thoughts with the audience or giving their take on things.

But then again, I re-read though the script, and it looks like all the officers are introducing themselves. Are they speaking directly into the camera ?
For introduction purposes maybe this can work. Overall though, dunno, you'll have to see how it looks like I suppose.

Overall, I'd say it has great potential and that a lot may depend on the face expressions and acting.
Like cuddling Mr.Tiddlywinks is great !

Also, I assume that this is a part of the script, or just the first short in the series, as reading through the script I get a feeling that you've started something, but haven't finished yet.

[Theshapecool]

Wayyy to 'police acadamy', no offence but it looks like its made for 3-12 year olds. the whole spoof thing has been done before, try and make it serious with comedy tones. Like do something you know is gonna look stupid, then take it asif it were deadly serious, thats where its at. rather than writing plain comedy, unless youve had years of experience, it dosent ussually work.

[windog]

it seems quite good. dont be put off by critics.

[Sebas]

finally, someone else is making a sketch.
I thaught i was the only one! currently we are building a website but soon we have a few sketches done.

[Mr.Anderson]

The only reason i had the guy look into the camera is because i was going for a "COPS" kind of feel, so the camera man is actually there with all the other characters. you know, for the really cheesy effect.

[dennismv]

finally, someone else is making a sketch.

I'll be also making some. Not sure on the timeframe tho, but I have a whole list of ideas I may eventually start doing.

[Mr.Anderson]

Ok, im still not quite done with this script, but here is some more of it.
If you havent read the first part, you'll wanna read it before you read this.

They pull up to a house and get out of the car guns drawn.
CARTER
Freeeze!! Wait where are they?
JOHNSON
I dunno…this quiet, too quiet…a little boring…
BACKGROUND COP
Aww cr**.
That very second BACKGROUND COP gets shot in the head
JOHNSON
Oh God! They blew his head off!
BILLY
THE HUMANITY!!!!!!!!
They duck down behind the squad car.
JOHNSON
Alright, alright, I’ve seen this before, you know about guys being high on PCP have super human strength and are hard to take down, right?
BILLY
Yeah, I guess I’ve heard of stuff like that.
JOHNSON
Well that’s nothing, just pansy B.S. compared to what we got here. What we got here is a fella who’s buzzed out on…
CARTER
NO! No, you can’t mean!
JOHNSON
Yeah that’s right…Macadamian Nut.
BILLY
Sweet Jesus, that’s the stuff that makes you unstoppable…and melts deliciously in your mouth!
We see the guy who is all nuts on Macadamian cookies screaming like the Hulk holding a machine gun.
CARTER
I got this!
He runs out from behind the car.
JOHNSON
Carter! NO!
CARTER
Hey Mr. Roid Rager,
The monster-man looks at Carter.
Suck this!
He pulls out a shotgun and fires 8 times killing the overdosed cookie Hulk.
JOHNSON
We do it by the books here Carter!! We don’t just go around blasting away people!!!
CARTER
Yeah we do.
JOHNSON
Oh, yeah right…well let’s clean up the crime scene
CUT TO:
INT. DAY-HIPPIE ROOM
BILLY
Yeah, we got a call about some loud hippy giggling, you know small domestic disturbance, easy case for me to start out on.
He bursts open the door to a room of a circle of giggling hippies with some hippy music playing in background.
BILLY
Well, well, well, what have you left-wingers been up to.
HIPPY#1
Nuthin man…(stupid hippie giggle)
BILLY
Those look like some tollhouse cookies ya got there.
HIPPY#2
Maybe, whadda ya gonna do about it pig? (stupid hippie giggle)
BILLY
This.
He smacks a hippie in the face with a nightstick.
HIPPY#2
Oww Dude!
HIPPY#3
Chill dude, just chill, sit in our peace circle, and eat some tollhouse.
BILLY
How bout you’re all under arrest for possession of illegal tollhouse cookies.
He picks up the cookies.
Yeah, this stuff is inexpensive and easy to get, not to rough, but it’s a gateway cookie to harder cookies. Okay, ok, everybody’s getting their handcuffs now!
CUT TO:
EXT.DAY-OUTSIDE, BEHIND A HOUSE SOMEWHERE
JOHNSON
This is a bad part of town, cookie addicts run wild here. We set up a sting operation. We set out a nice car with an expensive system, hopefully some cookie-head will come by and try to rob it to pawn stuff for money. (Hear glass shatter and a car alarm go off)Oh wait! We gotta live one!
Police sirens go off and they swarm the car, some guy holding a radio or something.
JOHNSON
Freeze! Freeze!
CARTER
(Pointing a gun) I’LL DO IT MAN I’LL FREAKIN DO IT!!!
They take down the perp, and conphinscate his cookies.
PERP
No man! I need my chips! I needs’em I’ll do anything!
JOHNSON
(Holding up plastic baggie of cookies) Yeah, pure uncut Colombian Chocolate chip, this isn’t cheap messes with you mind. I seen a lotta good kids go down from choco chip overdose, makes me sad (wipes a tear away)

[Mr.Anderson]

Ok im done, heres the rest.

CUT TO:
INT.DAY-SMALL ROOM, EVERYONE LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW
CARTER
Ok, we got Billy down there under cover tryin to buy some cookies from known cookie dealers. If he is able to buy some we’ll have enough evidence to put all these guys behind bars for a long, long time. Alright he should be blending right in.
CUT TO:
EXT.DAY-JUST OUTSIDE THE STAKE OUT ROOM
We see a bunch gang looking guys sitting around talking, one or two eating cookies.
BILLY
(Wearing some obnoxiously bright shirt with “I’m not a police officerâ€

[UnkindSky]

very funny man!! Keep it pumpin out!!

[Caveman]

that was awesome - I like it a lot

[crossfire]

HILARIOUS, but I think the part with the emmys and TV part kinda jus broke the funny atmosphere

[crossfire]

Hey Mr.Anderson would you mind if i try to film this, if i suceed ill post it, and i wont change anything as well as giv u credit for writing it (this is if i suceed, i hav a reputation for doing movies halfway)?

[Mr.Anderson]

well, me and my friends are gonna film it too, but thats really just for our own screwin around kinda stuff. So sure, you can film it. my name is Matthew Anderson if you'd like to credit me for writing it.

[Mr.Anderson]

which i would like you to credit me if thats ok

[crossfire]

Ya ok course ill credit, thx.

[Mr.Anderson]

So hows the filming coming along Crossfire?

[crossfire]

i havent started anything except talking to my friends and planning, right now i hav a lot of other stuff to do but as soon as the busyness dies away ill get on it, but right now i dun hav anything yet

[Mr.Anderson]

thats ok, no rush

[trabre2003]

Funny script. Post it up when you're done. I like the cheesy documantary feel of it. Make sure the actors play it serious though.

[crossfire]

ya if they seem really really serious itll look very funny, especially because its soo ridiculous without being stupid!!

[jaredcosta]

hey..i was going to film this..i read that you'd let us..i'll put..'Matthew Anderson' as the script writer..thanks for that..this is a really good script!!! :D

[Mr.Anderson]

Thanks, yeah i definitely dont mind if you film it, so now you and Crossfire are filming it? Cool, i'd love to see to different takes on this.

[jaredcosta]

in the part where it says..
“I’m not a police officerâ€