Late
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BrownCowStudios
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Update: Filming of "Late" has been postponed. | Read the full update |
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Lawriejaffa
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I just had a wee read over the script, since its popped up the thread again.
So the script, technically (in terms of structure was a bit funny with the margins (but i think thats maybe just the pdf export i got.)
Just a wee tip on scripts, its better to avoid being too colloquial with the read (forgive the typo) just for example lines like 'he's so close'. In a script its poor form to explicitly tell the reader what the story is supposed to be doing visually and with the dialogue, It might sound silly me mentioning a small thing like that but proof readers and submissions pick up on things like that (if you ever write scripts for prod companies and competitions etc.)
So onto the story! Right well heres the danger? What is the story, its about a guy thats late for work, (that is it)the bad things that happen to him, are incidental, but are placed for sake of perhaps, offbeat comedy.
Note however, that the idea that his being there is irrelevant, (because it is not a work day) is a 'weak' relief from a 'conflict tension' (being on time) that is never built in the script to be that important, that an audience would feel too concerned.
Hence like all comedy or offbeat, they require the conflict (all stories have conflict) and this case being our man needing to get there on time. I think the script will work better if we are given more impetuous as to why this man has to get there on time, note other films have things like, 'to make thanksgiving day, a daughters bday, a wedding etc) In your film because we never ween any information early on, we presume, (with the domestic setting) that it is probably something trivial.
On his journey trivial things happen to delay him, note even in stories where the conflict, like getting to a bday party in time, that the obstacles are ususally amazing. Take trains planes & automobiles, look what happens to steve martin, or john cleese in clockwise. So there are never any really big obstacles, or a big conflict, what this means, is that the audience will feel rarely 'lifted' and with the ending, will feel little or no surprise.
Positively though the script is well structured, paced, and will not make people feel cheated by the experiece, i mean its all light and pleasant.
But I do feel however, that you need to up your ante in this particular script, give importance to the deadline, make the obstacles more serious. Which i feel is necessary regardless of the genre this short intends to follow.
So the script, technically (in terms of structure was a bit funny with the margins (but i think thats maybe just the pdf export i got.)
Just a wee tip on scripts, its better to avoid being too colloquial with the read (forgive the typo) just for example lines like 'he's so close'. In a script its poor form to explicitly tell the reader what the story is supposed to be doing visually and with the dialogue, It might sound silly me mentioning a small thing like that but proof readers and submissions pick up on things like that (if you ever write scripts for prod companies and competitions etc.)
So onto the story! Right well heres the danger? What is the story, its about a guy thats late for work, (that is it)the bad things that happen to him, are incidental, but are placed for sake of perhaps, offbeat comedy.
Note however, that the idea that his being there is irrelevant, (because it is not a work day) is a 'weak' relief from a 'conflict tension' (being on time) that is never built in the script to be that important, that an audience would feel too concerned.
Hence like all comedy or offbeat, they require the conflict (all stories have conflict) and this case being our man needing to get there on time. I think the script will work better if we are given more impetuous as to why this man has to get there on time, note other films have things like, 'to make thanksgiving day, a daughters bday, a wedding etc) In your film because we never ween any information early on, we presume, (with the domestic setting) that it is probably something trivial.
On his journey trivial things happen to delay him, note even in stories where the conflict, like getting to a bday party in time, that the obstacles are ususally amazing. Take trains planes & automobiles, look what happens to steve martin, or john cleese in clockwise. So there are never any really big obstacles, or a big conflict, what this means, is that the audience will feel rarely 'lifted' and with the ending, will feel little or no surprise.
Positively though the script is well structured, paced, and will not make people feel cheated by the experiece, i mean its all light and pleasant.
But I do feel however, that you need to up your ante in this particular script, give importance to the deadline, make the obstacles more serious. Which i feel is necessary regardless of the genre this short intends to follow.
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Lawriejaffa
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- Joined: Sun Jul 24, 2005 6:38 pm
