I just finished seeing the whole film. Of all the films I have seen on this site, yours is in the top 5. But, I see some potential for growth. This shouldn't be a short, it needs to be atleast 90 minutes to 120 minutes. You have left so holes that need to be fillled, and some action that can also be added to add to the tension of the film. First, the scene with Buddy looking for the cat, this needs to be in the middle act, not the end. so that when Grace gives Buddy a kiss on the cheek, we can have the jerk see it from across the street, add to the tension. We also need to see some more of the relationship as friends blooming after the incident with the jerk at the cemetary. I wouldn't kill the jerk in the cemetary. Doesn't feel right because the rest of the story goes on without him. I think it would be better if the old guy wakes him in the face, cuts to black. Then the guy wakes up finding himself dumped in the forest of something weird like that. Or putting him in a situation where he is uncomfortable and needs someones help but no one is there. Something like that. Just bumping him off, and then not showing the towns reaction feels wrong. I think you should keep him alive, either that, or you have to show buddy and the girl helping the old man getting rid of the body. If you don't show their morale reasoning for letting the old guy dispoase of the body without feeling guilty, you leave the audience feeling let down. That situation needs to be dealt with. The best way is to not kill the guy. Because then the bad guy gets to much attention. Hurt him but don't kill him. And put the cat searching scene in the middle to build tension. And show a scene of Buddy's brother going to rob the bank, don't tell it. It will give more for the audience to get attached to the charecter of buddy, and also I was always told the film is a story in pictures, not words. Show, don't tell. I like the narration, but some of it can be replaced with actual scenes.
Last thing, it says that the world is cold to Buddy, but we only see one guy who is a jerk to him. You need to show throughout act 2 different groups of guys picking on him. They can be nameless people, but more. I would show him at the store buying stuff and the store employes treat him stupid, or show him walking around town and people saying things to him. Space out a bunch of scenes of it dispersed throughout with him and Grace meeting. Show the first time they meet, even if its a flash back, show how she is different in the way she introduces herself.
You can really go even farther with this story. You could keep all the original shots, music, etc. But go back to the script, rearrange things, and add some of the stuff that I have suggested. If you have to, get some more money. It shouldn't take much to add another 60-70 minutes but if those questions are answered, and there are some scenes that help develop the relationship between Grace and Buddy more, it would enhance it alot, and personally, you could sell it for $12-$15 easilly. Just build more.
Music, when Buddy is at the grave of Grace, we need to see him cry, and you need to add some violin so we can feel the pain and lonliness.
Why is it we never see the widow? Why is it we don't see the mayor, these are some quesitons that if they are answered it would add alot.
I only give you these info cause I think you have something good going on, just want to see you go farther.
Personally, I don't think there is enough content here to extend into a feature. If I kept the original story/events, and turned it into a feature, it would be much too weak to support itself.
If you break it down, Buddy is looking for the cat in the second act. The first act is all exposition, setting up the characters. The second act begins when Grace loses her cat, and contains the bulk of the action. It ends with Buddy being happy in the cemetery at dusk. The scene after that begins the third act with the falling action.
Since this was a short, Jack was meant to be killed off early. His only objective is to be the cliche town jerk/bully. He completes his part and is swept away. I didn't want to pull focus from the rest of the characters to try and follow him when he really had no purpose left to fulfill.
The idea of Jack seeing Grace kiss Buddy to build tension wouldn't really build it any more to me. That already occurs when he sees them hugging in the cemetery. To do this again would be repetative.
About showing Buddy's brother rob a bank, again since it was short, I didn't want to jam too many different lines of action down people's throats. Also, I think by not showing his brother in real life, it already has a head start on making Buddy lonely. In just showing the picture, it reveals that his past was not always this way, but we never actually see him being happy, so it keeps his character contained in his lonely shell the entire movie until Grace finally breaks it. I believe film is one of the most expressive forms of art because you can tell a story with both pictures and sound. To restrict yourself to either one just to retain the processes of conventional cinema is putting yourself in a box.
If this were a feature, it would be a good idea to show him getting picked on by more people, but for the length now, I feel it's better to just have one concentrated source, which is Jack.
I definitely thank you for your time and thought in your comments. And the ideas seem to be more suited for a feature, which you were talking about. But, I feel it is best kept as a short.
Oh, and Spike - I'm not actually in this film. You only see me for a few seconds. (I'm the brother in the picture)
Thanks again for your comments guys.
Joe
Lemonus
