TEASER OF A SCRIPT!!!!!!!!!!! SCRIPT SET IN NEAR FUTURE!!!!!

[Jperson]

Here is the beggining of a script I'm working on, just and idea that came to me… may come to nothing, but for the moment I'm going to keep it a little secret, depending how it turns out… SImply it the idea of a slightly futuristic world, where indivdual states have been abolished, instead councils, governing bodies and ocmmunities rule over huge areas of land and have skirmishes through diplomatic and military might… Quite grim told from the point of view of homeless kids (which doubled in this world), mainly they are the so called 'new-breed of italians' (which is made-up, obviously, for the film…) Please comment…

MARQX. Stupid, knew to this world. Very slow. Can be good at fighting.
MARILI. Italian boy, scavenges, will do anything to get money and food, very quick-qitted with a heart of stone.
CRZAVAZ. Chezh boy, soft-hearted, know all back-alleys off by heart. Attempts to be like MARILI but is to soft-hearted for it.
DALLARI. Italian boy, who follows MARILI.
JAXQ. Scheming boy who lives by nobodies rules.
PERIPO. Very optimistic boy, always looks on the bright side, isn't very good at empathising.

MARQX lying on pavement, evening.

MARQX
(picking self up)
What I do here?
(scratches head)
I not meant be here…
(looks around)

MARILI, DALLARI step into shot.

MARILI
(Grimacing)
You may not meant be here, but this 'ere is mine! What ya' got on ya?

MARQX
Not'ing
(cowering)

MARILI
You got not'ing, you got not'ing? Then you of no use to me!

MARQX
Well, I go' some'hing.

MARILI
What is dis 'some'hing'?

MARQX
It not so valuable, maybe you let me go, I come back and I give you some'hing.

MARILI
I don't fall for that one. Give it to me now!

MARQX
Bu', it not so valuable…

MARILI
I don't care what you think it is…

MARQX produces business card

MARILI
(snatches it)
You call that no' so valuable, you lying bastardo schiuma
(punches MARQX)

MARQX stumbles over, doubles up as DALlARI starts punching him as MARILI walks off.

[Jperson]

Oh come on-a I needa to feeda my childrena!

[Jperson]

Will any one please say anything?

[Headless_Duck_Productions]

Before you post a script work a little more on it. It doesn't explain anything to the reader (or viewer if you're filming this). Write more of the script so the people who are reading it can get a feel for what's happening.

[Clarence]

It's okay; I mean, so far it's about a boy getting beat up over a business card. It's too little script to comment on. There's no plot...yet.

Also, the names are a bit crazy,especially if it takes place in the near future.

[DEDFX]

Looks pretty bad, the names are weird and so is the dialogue. Is the movie consisting on 10 year old kids with downsyndrome or something?

[Clarence]

hehehe. The dialouge...is like a WAY overdone Italian accent.

[rhys]

Yeah i agree, way too overdone. The teaser if the script shows nothin to us, but a conversation between to whack-job names. There are no parts about the surroundings or the actions, so all i can picture in my head is a tramp sitting on the ground talking to anyone.

[Jperson]

RIght, that was just the begginign for an idea I had, I just wrote that cause an idea came to my head, and the accents are meant to be a mix of very Italion, cokney, French accents… The names are meant to be wierd because they are meant to be the names of the time.

[marktut]

The names are wrong if you are setting this film in the near future of planet earth, if set in an alternative universe they could be ok.

The dialogue isn't very good, try writing it in normal english, it will go better with a near future setting. Making up words to make the story unique is dodgy as your audience may not understand them even if you do.

Also "marqx" as a name, how would you say that?

Stick to normal names like, steve, john, jason etc, with near future setting.

Would like to be more positive, best thing I can say if you did it right and came up with a good story this could work well. it is also quite an original idea.

[DEDFX]

Why don't you actually film something, Rhys is actually doing a better job than you. You seem to post many things on all of your new movies but theres nothing that can be seen.

[Almondo99]

"marqx" as a name, how would you say that?

It's not a good idea to have a name that's hard to pronounce/say etc

It's hard to give feedback on such a little part of the script. The dialogue phrasing and stuff is very distracting too.

[Jperson]

You pronounce Marqx as markx, basically, a bit like the dude who wrote the conservative manifesto in thet British Museum . DEDFX, something will come out soon, hopefully, I promise, and I WILL try to stop posting cr**, but it's so tempting . Sorry.

Anyway, um, this is more of an idea than like a script (I know that sounds stupid!) and you may think I'm saying this just to get out of critisim, but I just had this really good idea, and I admit I didn't wright it as well as it could have been done...

Also, I'm looking for my next longish film (whihc will be done over 2007 Summer ... I need help with a good idea! http://www.matthawkins.co.uk/forum/view ... 593#129593