Only the beginning

[Mr.Anderson]

Here is the first scene of a script I started to write awhile back. I have the rest of the story vaguely pictured in my mind, with 2 possible endings. This beginning is actually towards the end, the rest of the story would be a flashback basically. Im trying to piece together the details and come up with what I want. I just want someone to read this beginning. You can just feel the potential cant you? lol. All opinions welcomed.



EXT. DAY-DINER SOMEWHERE OUTWEST
We see a man sitting at a table watching a waitress. Observing her. He watches her laugh and smile with customers, bring and take dishes. He knows this woman. Knows her very well. The man himself looks to be in his late 20’s to early 30’s. He is bearded with medium length hair, and he is wearing darkly tinted sunglasses. He hasn’t ordered anything. He hasn’t been here long. Eventually, he holds his hand up, gesturing for the waitress to come over. She sees, and briskly comes over. Shes young as well, maybe 24.

WAITRESS
Hi, what’s it gonna be for today?

PATRICK
An omelette and coffee’ll be fine.

WAITRESS
And that’ll be all?

There is a pause. The WAITRESS looks at him in a childish puzzled manner. PATRICK just stares.

PATRICK
You really don’t recognize me do you?

WAITRESS
Uh, no, can’t say you ring a bell.

PATRICK
It’s Patrick.

The WAITRESS looks stunned. She is quiet and still for a moment. She tries to speak.

WAITRESS
Patrii..

She can’t finish the name, it just turns into breath.

PATRICK
You honestly didn’t think that I would ever find you, didn’t you?

WAITRESS
I, I don’t...

PATRICK forces a painful smile.

PATRICK
Thought you knew me better than that.

She is quiet, still in shock. PATRICK turns away to look out the window, slightly disgusted with her.

PATRICK (CONT’D)
Your son is waiting in my car.

The WAITRESS puts down her notebook and pen, and wearily sits down, afraid her
legs can’t hold her.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:






And thats it so far.

[TroubledCobraStudios]

i like it a lot. although if i knew the rest of the story, or some of what you want the movie to feel like, it would help me understand it a bit more.

anway, as of now, it seems like a twist on the one parent raising a child thing. most movies would have the mother looking for the father, but you have switched it around. dont know if thats what you want your movie to be, but thats what it seems like here. good job, im actually very interested to see some more of this.

[Nba185]

Cool. I'll be waiting for the completed one. Seems like she had a child with patrick? Just my guess

[Mr.Anderson]

Thank you both very much for feedback. Well, you're both kind of right. By what you've said so far though, I dont think you'll be expecting whats gonna happen. Ive found some fitting music thats inspiring me, so I think ill finally get my lazy a** to write this one. Ill post it up soon.

[Bodysnatcher]

Prehaps Patrick is the father, but I prefer the thought that she is a gangsters moll, went on the run with some vital piece of information and Patrick is a hitman type who has tracked her down, kidnapped her son and wants the informaton. not sure, just looking forward t hearing more.

[Bocca]

Maybe Patrick is HER father. Maybe not.

I like it, its a real nice intro. Leaves the audience hanging, without anyone actually getting shot or punched out. Makes a nice change.

Looking forward to the rest of it.

[smokeythebear]

wow sounds good, I thought he was a killer for a sec when it said paintful smile I was thinking like a devilish grin

[Mr.Anderson]

Oh man! Now I really want to finish this! Its gonna be a total surprise/twist for everyone.

[redlightoncamera]

This is a good film so far, waiting for finished script. Sounds like a good film..

[TroubledCobraStudios]

Maybe Patrick is HER father. Maybe not.

I like it, its a real nice intro. Leaves the audience hanging, without anyone actually getting shot or punched out. Makes a nice change.

Looking forward to the rest of it.

maybe he should have someone getting shot AND punched out to make up for lack of any of either......i hope people know im just kidding....

i went back and re-read it after reading what bodysnatcher said and the whole hitman thing would actually be totally awesome. but whatever twist you have in mind im sure will be quite awesome as well.