For those of you who haven't been reading my "Crime Film Two Sentence Pitch" thread, this is a work-in-progress script I'm writing with the intention of shooting. It's about fifteen pages long currently, and maybe 1/4 completed. I'd really appreciate feedback on it!
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“Compromisedâ€
"Compromised"
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OutcastJiob
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"Compromised"
People shouldn't be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.
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youngfilmmaker
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RE: "Compromised"
I thinks its good... i didnt read it all.. but i will later..
www.freewebs.com/skyrocketstudios
The majority of Americans - the ones who never elected you - are not fooled by your weapons of mass distraction.
-Michael Moore
The majority of Americans - the ones who never elected you - are not fooled by your weapons of mass distraction.
-Michael Moore
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UFProductions
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RE: "Compromised"
Sexy! I really like it so far, the dialoge is excellent, and the story carries very well. One change and a sugestion: I wouldn't show the tac-team racking the slides on their guns, it's too stereotypical of a shot, and the weapons wouldn't be hot until the very last minute. And I would like to know why the US was transporting 23 nukes through the Middle East!? Just seems like an unlikely plot device. All in all a wicked script, I can't wait to see more, and certainly look forward to footage.
Losing consciousness,
in the arms of an angel,
I find only peace.
in the arms of an angel,
I find only peace.
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OutcastJiob
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RE: "Compromised"
Point noted, UFP--I'll remove the slide-racking. It's always just so frickin' cool that I wrote it in even though my technical self knows better. . . .
As for why the US was transporting nukes, well, I promise I explain it later
Thanks for the comments UFP and youngfilmmaker, they're much appreciated!
As for why the US was transporting nukes, well, I promise I explain it later
Thanks for the comments UFP and youngfilmmaker, they're much appreciated!
People shouldn't be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.
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OutcastJiob
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RE: "Compromised"
Apologies for the double post, but once again I'm adding material. . . .
By the way: I noticed just now that in the first part I posted, I kept on mixing up the character names: I was using "Paul" to refer to "William" in the CIA scenes. So anywhere you see Karl's assistant referred to as "Paul," just know that's a screwup on my part. His name is supposed to be William.
This bit of script picks up right where the last part I posted left off.
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CUT TO
EXT. Criminals' Office Building – NIGHT
Several vehicles are now on-scene in front of the building. Agents are speaking to each other and talking on their radios, coordinating. An unmarked car arrives and Karl and William leave the vehicle. William walks to a truck that has a bed full of electronics and starts working. Karl goes to the trunk of the car and takes a briefcase out.
The spec-ops team van arrives, and two members of the team exit, supporting Agent Thoresson between them. Agent Armstrong approaches Karl.
ARMSTRONG
Reporting as ordered, sir.
Karl looks up from a sheaf of papers, distracted.
KARL
Oh, right, I want your team ready to take that building down if I give the order. William'll have blueprints and anything else you need.
ARMSTRONG
Yes, sir.
CUT TO
INT. Headquarters Room – NIGHT
Alexander looks up from a monitor.
ALEXANDER
They're here.
He toggles the camera feed onto a projector screen at the end of the room, revealing the federal presence outside the building.
PAUL
Alert the guards, tell them to get in position, all entrances covered.
ALEXANDER
On it.
He reaches for the radio handset. Paul turns to Lawrence.
PAUL
Well.
LAWRENCE
Start praying?
PAUL
Something like that.
He turns and addresses the room at large.
PAUL
Okay, people, I want your weapons live now. Be ready--and hope we're not gonna need 'em.
There's an immediate drawing and readying of guns, except by Lawrence, who shrugs and doesn't draw a gun.
PAUL
Right, right, you're exempt.
Lawrence grins.
LAWRENCE
Can't have a hostile negotiator.
CUT TO
INT. Criminals' Office Building – NIGHT
Rapid cut as the guards receive their radioed instructions and move from patrols to their assigned position. A guy with a shotgun settles down behind a door, laying grenades down on the ground in front of him, setting a knife and two handguns on the floor to the side. Someone carrying a scoped rifle lies flat on the roof, squints down the scope, centers on Karl. A guard with an assault rifle squats down behind some overturned chairs in a corridor just off the main building entrance, covering the front door.
CUT TO
EXT. Criminals' Office Building – NIGHT
Karl is seated on the edge of the back seat of a car, his feet out on the ground through the open door. He's on the phone again.
KARL
--a two-block perimeter, get it sealed off, but don't get your officers in too close, I don't want whoever we're dealing with to know they're there. And tell 'em no sirens or flashing lights or anything, this has to be covert.
Pause.
KARL
Look, I'm sure you know what you're doing, Chief, but every other local cop I've ever dealt with--
Pause.
KARL
Just do what I said. This is national security, alright–and I want it done within thirty minutes!
He snaps the phone shut. It immediately rings. He grimaces, hops out of the car, and runs to the truck William is working at.
KARL
Got a call, get the recorder on.
William messes with the controls of one piece of equipment. Karl picks the phone up again.
KARL
This is Weber.
LAWRENCE (O.S., filtered)
You didn't listen to me. You came to find me.
KARL
It's standard procedure. Sorry.
LAWRENCE (O.S., filtered)
And refusing to pay ransom is standard procedure as well. But I'm sure you won't make that mistake.
KARL
No, no, we'll pay.
LAWRENCE (O.S., filtered)
Then why do you have a strike team?
KARL
Like I said, standard proced--
LAWRENCE (O.S., filtered)
Phone isn't cutting it.
KARL
What?
LAWRENCE (O.S., filtered)
I want to meet. Face to face. You're going to send one of your men in, unarmed, and I'm coming out.
Karl grimaces again.
KARL
Oh, great.
LAWRENCE (O.S., filtered)
What?
KARL
Yes, fine, we'll do the exchange.
LAWRENCE (O.S., filtered)
Send your man to the entrance. I'll meet him in the doorway. No screwing around, Karl, I have armed men too.
A bright red dot appears on Karl's chest.
LAWRENCE (O.S., filtered)
You see.
William looks shocked and points at Karl's chest. Karl looks down and jumps, making an inarticulate noise of surprise as he does so.
WILLIAM
ARMSTRONG!
Armstrong looks up, sees the dot, and jumps on Karl, knocking him to the ground. He stands up and starts calling his team together.
ARMSTRONG
Form up, form up!
Rapid cuts as his team materializes around him, guns ready, taking cover behind cars and getting a clear line to the source of the laser sight, locating it through the flare on one of the building's front windows.
ARMSTRONG
We have hostile activity, get--
Karl stands back up.
KARL
HOLD IT! Stand down, Armstrong! Stand down!
Armstrong and his team comply. Karl takes a deep breath and retrieves his phone from the ground.
KARL
I'm sending a man in. Get ready to come out.
He snaps the phone shut.
KARL
ARMSTRONG! Do not make any show of force without my express permission, is that understood, soldier!
ARMSTRONG
Sir. Yes, sir.
KARL
I want you and your team to get back in your van and wait for orders. That clear?
ARMSTRONG
Yes, sir.
He beckons to his team and they move toward the van. Karl takes another deep breath, then turns to the retreating Armstrong.
KARL
Agent Armstrong!
Armstrong turns immediately.
ARMSTRONG
Yes, sir.
KARL
Change of plan. You're going in.
Armstrong gives the “move outâ€
By the way: I noticed just now that in the first part I posted, I kept on mixing up the character names: I was using "Paul" to refer to "William" in the CIA scenes. So anywhere you see Karl's assistant referred to as "Paul," just know that's a screwup on my part. His name is supposed to be William.
This bit of script picks up right where the last part I posted left off.
-------------------------------------------------------
CUT TO
EXT. Criminals' Office Building – NIGHT
Several vehicles are now on-scene in front of the building. Agents are speaking to each other and talking on their radios, coordinating. An unmarked car arrives and Karl and William leave the vehicle. William walks to a truck that has a bed full of electronics and starts working. Karl goes to the trunk of the car and takes a briefcase out.
The spec-ops team van arrives, and two members of the team exit, supporting Agent Thoresson between them. Agent Armstrong approaches Karl.
ARMSTRONG
Reporting as ordered, sir.
Karl looks up from a sheaf of papers, distracted.
KARL
Oh, right, I want your team ready to take that building down if I give the order. William'll have blueprints and anything else you need.
ARMSTRONG
Yes, sir.
CUT TO
INT. Headquarters Room – NIGHT
Alexander looks up from a monitor.
ALEXANDER
They're here.
He toggles the camera feed onto a projector screen at the end of the room, revealing the federal presence outside the building.
PAUL
Alert the guards, tell them to get in position, all entrances covered.
ALEXANDER
On it.
He reaches for the radio handset. Paul turns to Lawrence.
PAUL
Well.
LAWRENCE
Start praying?
PAUL
Something like that.
He turns and addresses the room at large.
PAUL
Okay, people, I want your weapons live now. Be ready--and hope we're not gonna need 'em.
There's an immediate drawing and readying of guns, except by Lawrence, who shrugs and doesn't draw a gun.
PAUL
Right, right, you're exempt.
Lawrence grins.
LAWRENCE
Can't have a hostile negotiator.
CUT TO
INT. Criminals' Office Building – NIGHT
Rapid cut as the guards receive their radioed instructions and move from patrols to their assigned position. A guy with a shotgun settles down behind a door, laying grenades down on the ground in front of him, setting a knife and two handguns on the floor to the side. Someone carrying a scoped rifle lies flat on the roof, squints down the scope, centers on Karl. A guard with an assault rifle squats down behind some overturned chairs in a corridor just off the main building entrance, covering the front door.
CUT TO
EXT. Criminals' Office Building – NIGHT
Karl is seated on the edge of the back seat of a car, his feet out on the ground through the open door. He's on the phone again.
KARL
--a two-block perimeter, get it sealed off, but don't get your officers in too close, I don't want whoever we're dealing with to know they're there. And tell 'em no sirens or flashing lights or anything, this has to be covert.
Pause.
KARL
Look, I'm sure you know what you're doing, Chief, but every other local cop I've ever dealt with--
Pause.
KARL
Just do what I said. This is national security, alright–and I want it done within thirty minutes!
He snaps the phone shut. It immediately rings. He grimaces, hops out of the car, and runs to the truck William is working at.
KARL
Got a call, get the recorder on.
William messes with the controls of one piece of equipment. Karl picks the phone up again.
KARL
This is Weber.
LAWRENCE (O.S., filtered)
You didn't listen to me. You came to find me.
KARL
It's standard procedure. Sorry.
LAWRENCE (O.S., filtered)
And refusing to pay ransom is standard procedure as well. But I'm sure you won't make that mistake.
KARL
No, no, we'll pay.
LAWRENCE (O.S., filtered)
Then why do you have a strike team?
KARL
Like I said, standard proced--
LAWRENCE (O.S., filtered)
Phone isn't cutting it.
KARL
What?
LAWRENCE (O.S., filtered)
I want to meet. Face to face. You're going to send one of your men in, unarmed, and I'm coming out.
Karl grimaces again.
KARL
Oh, great.
LAWRENCE (O.S., filtered)
What?
KARL
Yes, fine, we'll do the exchange.
LAWRENCE (O.S., filtered)
Send your man to the entrance. I'll meet him in the doorway. No screwing around, Karl, I have armed men too.
A bright red dot appears on Karl's chest.
LAWRENCE (O.S., filtered)
You see.
William looks shocked and points at Karl's chest. Karl looks down and jumps, making an inarticulate noise of surprise as he does so.
WILLIAM
ARMSTRONG!
Armstrong looks up, sees the dot, and jumps on Karl, knocking him to the ground. He stands up and starts calling his team together.
ARMSTRONG
Form up, form up!
Rapid cuts as his team materializes around him, guns ready, taking cover behind cars and getting a clear line to the source of the laser sight, locating it through the flare on one of the building's front windows.
ARMSTRONG
We have hostile activity, get--
Karl stands back up.
KARL
HOLD IT! Stand down, Armstrong! Stand down!
Armstrong and his team comply. Karl takes a deep breath and retrieves his phone from the ground.
KARL
I'm sending a man in. Get ready to come out.
He snaps the phone shut.
KARL
ARMSTRONG! Do not make any show of force without my express permission, is that understood, soldier!
ARMSTRONG
Sir. Yes, sir.
KARL
I want you and your team to get back in your van and wait for orders. That clear?
ARMSTRONG
Yes, sir.
He beckons to his team and they move toward the van. Karl takes another deep breath, then turns to the retreating Armstrong.
KARL
Agent Armstrong!
Armstrong turns immediately.
ARMSTRONG
Yes, sir.
KARL
Change of plan. You're going in.
Armstrong gives the “move outâ€
People shouldn't be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.
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chrisgreen
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RE: "Compromised"
Its still good, love the dot-sight on Karl's chest, was funny yet doesn't compramise it's integrity. One question, who is Karl aiming the "Bureaucrats" remark?
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UFProductions
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RE: "Compromised"
I love it, I keep forgetting I'm not reading a screenplay from a real "Hollywood" movie. The only thing this script lacks is the childish cliches of your typical amateur writing, you sir have a real talent for dialoge. Keep it up and keep us informed, can't wait to see how it will end.
Losing consciousness,
in the arms of an angel,
I find only peace.
in the arms of an angel,
I find only peace.
-
OutcastJiob
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RE: "Compromised"
Thanks for the comments! I appreciate the lovin' 
I'm working on polishing up the next section of script. . . .hopefully I'll get it up on Monday. Big thanks to anyone who read this so far, I really do appreciate your feedback on it.
I'm working on polishing up the next section of script. . . .hopefully I'll get it up on Monday. Big thanks to anyone who read this so far, I really do appreciate your feedback on it.
People shouldn't be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.
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OutcastJiob
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RE: "Compromised"
grr. . .delete me, please. . .
People shouldn't be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.
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youngfilmmaker
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RE: "Compromised"
Dude... Add more... it is great.. i want to know what happens
www.freewebs.com/skyrocketstudios
The majority of Americans - the ones who never elected you - are not fooled by your weapons of mass distraction.
-Michael Moore
The majority of Americans - the ones who never elected you - are not fooled by your weapons of mass distraction.
-Michael Moore
-
OutcastJiob
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RE: "Compromised"
chrisgreen: the "bureaucrats" remark was aimed at Arthur, but I'm removing it since it seemd unclear.
Thanks for all the comments, guys!
Aaaaaand here's the next bit. I'm not sure how happy I am with this section, though . . . . I may rewrite it completely. So tell me if you think anything here feels awkward, please.
As before, it picks up right at the end of my previous posting.
---------------------------------------------
CUT TO
INT. Headquarters Room – NIGHT
Lawrence is adjusting the collar on his shirt. Paul hands him a cell phone, which he pockets.
PAUL
Good luck.
LAWRENCE
We're gonna need it.
Beat.
LAWRENCE
Listen, if this goes bad--
PAUL
--we know. We agreed to this plan, now let's do it.
Lawrence swallows hard.
LAWRENCE
Right.
He flips a salute to Paul.
LAWRENCE
See you soon, chief.
Lawrence turns and exits the room.
CUT TO
INT. Criminals' Office Building Lobby – NIGHT
Lawrence shuts the door behind himself as he leaves the headquarters room. A guard with an M16 variant is standing just inside the main entrance.
GUARD
You ready to go?
LAWRENCE
Is their man coming in?
GUARD
Walking toward us.
Lawrence looks out the front window and sees Agent Armstrong advancing to the building, hands raised high.
LAWRENCE
Right. I'm going out.
He strides to the door, opens it, and walks out, leaving the door open for Armstrong, who he nods to as he passes. Armstrong continues into the building and we see the guard close the door behind him.
Lawrence walks toward the agents, hands raised. Rapid cuts as two armed members of Armstrong's team grab Lawrence while he's about fifty feet from the other agents and frisk him, checking for weapons. Finding nothing, they give the thumbs-up to William, who beckons Lawrence forward. The two recovery team agents fall back and move forward with him, trailing behind a few feet, guns at the ready.
Karl opens a car door and stands up out of the vehicle.
KARL
Mr., ah,--
LAWRENCE
Call me Lawrence.
KARL
Right, well then, Lawrence, you care to take a seat?
He indicates the back seat of the car. Lawrence nods, crosses to the far side of the car and gets in to the seat next to Karl. The recovery agents take up positions on both sides of the car.
LAWRENCE
I'm going to cut through the formalities here. This is what you need to know: our plan is foolproof. We have live communications going to the fellow conspirators I mentioned to you on the phone. If you raid the building, they're going to know, and they'll release the information as punishment. If you cut our communications, they're going to know. So you can't raid the building. All you can do at this point is pay up.
KARL
And if we don't, as you say, pay up?
LAWRENCE
I think you know. Every warlord in the Middle East is going to be scrambling to get their hands on those nukes, and do you think you can beat all of them there? I don't. Besides, how's it going to lookâ€â€a shipment of twenty-three nuclear warheads that the United States lost through incompetence. Not to mention their original destination.
KARL
I'm sorry, what?
Lawrence looks hard at Karl.
LAWRENCE
They were bound for Israel to be handed over to the government there. You know it, I know, so let's stop pretending, alright?
Karl clears his throat.
KARL
I was under the impression that was Top Secret.
Lawrence grins.
LAWRENCE
It was.
KARL
I don't suppose I can appeal to your sense of patriotism.
LAWRENCE
No. You can't. Just my greed. Make the payment, Karl.
KARL
And how do I know you can be trusted to turn the information over after payment is made?
LAWRENCE
You can't. But you don't really have a choice, do you?
KARL
Two hundred fifty million. That's a lot of money.
LAWRENCE
I think it's worth what you're saving, don't you?
He hands Karl a slip of paper.
LAWRENCE
There's the bank information. 250 million US dollars, immediately.
Karl says nothing. Lawrence pulls his cell phone out and presses a button.
LAWRENCE
I'm coming back. Get ready to send their man out.
He snaps the phone shut again.
LAWRENCE
You have my word, Karl. You make the payment and we return the data. Take it or leave it.
He gets out of the car and walks back to the building, trailed by the two agents once again. As he nears the building, Agent Armstrong appears in the doorway. The two agents hang back, making it clear they're not going to try to grab Lawrence after Armstrong walks free.
Lawrence enters the building seconds after Armstrong exits, and the guard closes the door immediately. Lawrence exhales deeply.
CUT TO
---------------------------------------------
As always, comments are very welcome. More script will be posted soon!
Thanks for all the comments, guys!
Aaaaaand here's the next bit. I'm not sure how happy I am with this section, though . . . . I may rewrite it completely. So tell me if you think anything here feels awkward, please.
As before, it picks up right at the end of my previous posting.
---------------------------------------------
CUT TO
INT. Headquarters Room – NIGHT
Lawrence is adjusting the collar on his shirt. Paul hands him a cell phone, which he pockets.
PAUL
Good luck.
LAWRENCE
We're gonna need it.
Beat.
LAWRENCE
Listen, if this goes bad--
PAUL
--we know. We agreed to this plan, now let's do it.
Lawrence swallows hard.
LAWRENCE
Right.
He flips a salute to Paul.
LAWRENCE
See you soon, chief.
Lawrence turns and exits the room.
CUT TO
INT. Criminals' Office Building Lobby – NIGHT
Lawrence shuts the door behind himself as he leaves the headquarters room. A guard with an M16 variant is standing just inside the main entrance.
GUARD
You ready to go?
LAWRENCE
Is their man coming in?
GUARD
Walking toward us.
Lawrence looks out the front window and sees Agent Armstrong advancing to the building, hands raised high.
LAWRENCE
Right. I'm going out.
He strides to the door, opens it, and walks out, leaving the door open for Armstrong, who he nods to as he passes. Armstrong continues into the building and we see the guard close the door behind him.
Lawrence walks toward the agents, hands raised. Rapid cuts as two armed members of Armstrong's team grab Lawrence while he's about fifty feet from the other agents and frisk him, checking for weapons. Finding nothing, they give the thumbs-up to William, who beckons Lawrence forward. The two recovery team agents fall back and move forward with him, trailing behind a few feet, guns at the ready.
Karl opens a car door and stands up out of the vehicle.
KARL
Mr., ah,--
LAWRENCE
Call me Lawrence.
KARL
Right, well then, Lawrence, you care to take a seat?
He indicates the back seat of the car. Lawrence nods, crosses to the far side of the car and gets in to the seat next to Karl. The recovery agents take up positions on both sides of the car.
LAWRENCE
I'm going to cut through the formalities here. This is what you need to know: our plan is foolproof. We have live communications going to the fellow conspirators I mentioned to you on the phone. If you raid the building, they're going to know, and they'll release the information as punishment. If you cut our communications, they're going to know. So you can't raid the building. All you can do at this point is pay up.
KARL
And if we don't, as you say, pay up?
LAWRENCE
I think you know. Every warlord in the Middle East is going to be scrambling to get their hands on those nukes, and do you think you can beat all of them there? I don't. Besides, how's it going to lookâ€â€a shipment of twenty-three nuclear warheads that the United States lost through incompetence. Not to mention their original destination.
KARL
I'm sorry, what?
Lawrence looks hard at Karl.
LAWRENCE
They were bound for Israel to be handed over to the government there. You know it, I know, so let's stop pretending, alright?
Karl clears his throat.
KARL
I was under the impression that was Top Secret.
Lawrence grins.
LAWRENCE
It was.
KARL
I don't suppose I can appeal to your sense of patriotism.
LAWRENCE
No. You can't. Just my greed. Make the payment, Karl.
KARL
And how do I know you can be trusted to turn the information over after payment is made?
LAWRENCE
You can't. But you don't really have a choice, do you?
KARL
Two hundred fifty million. That's a lot of money.
LAWRENCE
I think it's worth what you're saving, don't you?
He hands Karl a slip of paper.
LAWRENCE
There's the bank information. 250 million US dollars, immediately.
Karl says nothing. Lawrence pulls his cell phone out and presses a button.
LAWRENCE
I'm coming back. Get ready to send their man out.
He snaps the phone shut again.
LAWRENCE
You have my word, Karl. You make the payment and we return the data. Take it or leave it.
He gets out of the car and walks back to the building, trailed by the two agents once again. As he nears the building, Agent Armstrong appears in the doorway. The two agents hang back, making it clear they're not going to try to grab Lawrence after Armstrong walks free.
Lawrence enters the building seconds after Armstrong exits, and the guard closes the door immediately. Lawrence exhales deeply.
CUT TO
---------------------------------------------
As always, comments are very welcome. More script will be posted soon!
People shouldn't be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.
-
UFProductions
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RE: "Compromised"
Aha! So thats why the nukes were in the Mid. East! Well tied up, adds a bit more depth to the story while remaining perfectly plausible. The only thing I didn't like with this section is the initial exchange between Paul and Lawrence, it seemed appropriate, just slightly out of characeter the way it was worded. It could be pulled off with acting, but some tweaking probably wouldn't hurt it. Keep 'em coming.
Losing consciousness,
in the arms of an angel,
I find only peace.
in the arms of an angel,
I find only peace.
-
BlakJakDavy
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Um, I'm thinking Lawrence should not give away his real name, because if the CIA turn up anything on him, usung the name he supplied, they can find ways to break him, such as accosting his parents and threatening harm to them should the information go public.
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OutcastJiob
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Hmm. Well, I suppose that would only be an issue if he gave away his last name--which he didn't--; after all, the CIA can hardly look up everyone in the United States named Lawrence. Further, the CIA has no idea if he gave them his real name or an alias. So I'd say he's pretty safe.
UFP: Noted. I will revise that bit of dialogue. Thanks for the heads-up; it feels awkward to me now when I read it.
Thanks for the comments! More script soon.
UFP: Noted. I will revise that bit of dialogue. Thanks for the heads-up; it feels awkward to me now when I read it.
Thanks for the comments! More script soon.
People shouldn't be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.
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chrisgreen
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OutcastJiob
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Hey guys, I'm just letting you know I AM still working on the script and will be posting more. However, this is finals week for me, so, no promises on getting anything up this week. I should have more script finished and posted soon. Thanks again for reading it!
People shouldn't be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.
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youngfilmmaker
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OutcastJiob
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As promised, here is more script. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is that last of it. The script, or at least the first draft, is now finished. You can also get the full version of the script in one document from here.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INT. Headquarters Room – NIGHT
Lawrence enters and shuts the door. The group inside cheers. Paul steps forward.
PAUL
So?
LAWRENCE
I think they're going to pay.
Lawrence produces his cell phone again and dials.
CUT TO
EXT. Criminals' Office Building – NIGHT
Agent Armstrong is suiting back up, buckling on his vest and weapons. Karl is speaking to William quietly. Then Karl's cell phone rings. Karl nods to William and picks it up.
KARL
Karl Weber.
LAWRENCE (O.S., filtered)
Have you made your choice, Mr. Weber?
Karl looks at William, who is using a laptop for something.
KARL
We're beginning the transfer now.
CUT TO
INT. Headquarters Room – NIGHT
Lawrence looks to Alexander for confirmation. Alexander checks a monitor displaying some banking information, then looks back up.
ALEXANDER
They're starting it.
Lawrence grins.
CUT TO
EXT. Criminals' Office Building – NIGHT
William looks up from a laptop balanced on the trunk of a car.
WILLIAM
Transfer's confirmed.
Pause.
WILLIAM
What do we do now, sir?
KARL
Wait for the call.
CUT TO
INT. Headquarters Room – NIGHT
Paul turns to Lawrence and holds his hand out.
PAUL
Phone.
Lawrence looks like he's going to question why Paul needs his phone, but then he hands it over.
CUT TO
EXT. Criminals' Office Building – NIGHT
Karl's cell phone rings and he answers.
KARL
Weber here.
PAUL (O.S., filtered)
Since you made the down payment so rapidly, I'm lowering the total. It was one billion. Now it's just another 500 million.
Begin sequence of rapid cuts between EXT. Criminals' Office Building and INT. Headquarters Room.
EXT.
KARL
What?
INT.
LAWRENCE
What?
EXT.
KARL
This was the ransom.
INT.
PAUL
Part of it.
EXT.
KARL
Who am I speaking to?
INT.
PAUL
I'm directing this operation.
EXT.
KARL
Well, sir, your negotiator said nothing about a down payment.
INT.
LAWRENCE
What are you doing?!
PAUL
He didn't know. Change of plans.
EXT.
KARL
I want to talk to your negotiator again.
INT.
Paul sets the phone on the table and switches it to speaker mode.
PAUL
Go ahead.
LAWRENCE
I'm here.
EXT.
KARL
No, I mean I want to talk face to face.
INT.
PAUL
No. We're not exchanging again.
Lawrence speaks quietly so the phone won't pick him up.
LAWRENCE
I'll go.
PAUL
There's nothing to discuss. Pay the ransom or we release the information.
Lawrence turns away, looking angry and a bit afraid.
EXT.
KARL
Right, let's just--
There's a gunshot. Karl jerks the phone away from his ear in surprise.
INT.
Paul is looking down at a bleeding wound in his chest in shock. Lawrence is holding a gun on him. Paul looks up at Lawrence.
EXT.
KARL
Armstrong!
Armstrong appears.
KARL
We have an emergency, get your team read to go in, shots have been fired inside the building.
INT.
Paul is looking at Lawrence in shock and bewilderment.
Lawrence fires again, the shot shattering the stunned silence in the room, hitting Paul in the head and sending him to the floor. Lawrence spins and moves the gun back and forth, covering Alexander and the other occupants of the room, who raise their hands.
Lawrence turns and addresses the cell phone on the table, still keeping the gun on the other conspirators.
LAWRENCE
This is Lawrence. I'm running the operation now.
EXT.
KARL
What just happened?
INT.
LAWRENCE
I just took over the operation. Forcefully.
EXT.
Karl turns to Armstrong, who is gathering his team.
KARL
Stand down, it's under control again.
INT.
LAWRENCE
You've paid the ransom. That wasn't a down payment, that was the full ransom. Weber, you have to believe me, this was my plan, he was just running it, but he changed it there, I had no idea he was going to try for more money.
EXT.
KARL
Given the fact that you just killed him, I believe it.
INT.
LAWRENCE
And just so you know. I wasn't going to let him give that information to anyone else.
EXT.
KARL
Well, I guess that's good to know.
INT.
LAWRENCE
There is one other thing.
EXT.
Karl looks very wary.
KARL
And what is that?
INT.
LAWRENCE
Amnesty and new identities.
EXT.
KARL
Can't do that.
INT.
Lawrence smiles, wiping spattered blood off his face.
LAWRENCE
Figured you'd say that.
Pause.
LAWRENCE
So what about shredding our identities? We never existed. And you don't come looking for us.
EXT.
KARL
Yeah. I think we can manage that. But don't count on me not looking for you.
INT.
LAWRENCE
What?
CUT TO
EXT. Beach – DAY
Lawrence is walking down the beach, in sandals and trunks, Hawaiian shirt, towel over his shoulder.
SCREEN TEXT
Tahiti, Six Months Later
A woman approaches Lawrence.
WOMAN
Mr. Durnell?
Lawrence turns and looks at her.
LAWRENCE
Yeah?
WOMAN
You've been highly recommended by a mutual friend.
LAWRENCE
Really. Nice of them.
WOMAN
I represent a black-ops organization performing operations for the United States. Unofficially of course. And our friend said you're perfect for the job.
Lawrence turns away and gazes out at the waves crashing against the beach.
WOMAN
Are you interested in at least talking about it, Mr. Durnell?
Lawrence turns back and smiles.
LAWRENCE
Call me LSD.
End credits roll.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As always, feedback is very, very welcome. I'd especially like hearing how you think the story works as a whole now that the completed version is up. Thanks for reading!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INT. Headquarters Room – NIGHT
Lawrence enters and shuts the door. The group inside cheers. Paul steps forward.
PAUL
So?
LAWRENCE
I think they're going to pay.
Lawrence produces his cell phone again and dials.
CUT TO
EXT. Criminals' Office Building – NIGHT
Agent Armstrong is suiting back up, buckling on his vest and weapons. Karl is speaking to William quietly. Then Karl's cell phone rings. Karl nods to William and picks it up.
KARL
Karl Weber.
LAWRENCE (O.S., filtered)
Have you made your choice, Mr. Weber?
Karl looks at William, who is using a laptop for something.
KARL
We're beginning the transfer now.
CUT TO
INT. Headquarters Room – NIGHT
Lawrence looks to Alexander for confirmation. Alexander checks a monitor displaying some banking information, then looks back up.
ALEXANDER
They're starting it.
Lawrence grins.
CUT TO
EXT. Criminals' Office Building – NIGHT
William looks up from a laptop balanced on the trunk of a car.
WILLIAM
Transfer's confirmed.
Pause.
WILLIAM
What do we do now, sir?
KARL
Wait for the call.
CUT TO
INT. Headquarters Room – NIGHT
Paul turns to Lawrence and holds his hand out.
PAUL
Phone.
Lawrence looks like he's going to question why Paul needs his phone, but then he hands it over.
CUT TO
EXT. Criminals' Office Building – NIGHT
Karl's cell phone rings and he answers.
KARL
Weber here.
PAUL (O.S., filtered)
Since you made the down payment so rapidly, I'm lowering the total. It was one billion. Now it's just another 500 million.
Begin sequence of rapid cuts between EXT. Criminals' Office Building and INT. Headquarters Room.
EXT.
KARL
What?
INT.
LAWRENCE
What?
EXT.
KARL
This was the ransom.
INT.
PAUL
Part of it.
EXT.
KARL
Who am I speaking to?
INT.
PAUL
I'm directing this operation.
EXT.
KARL
Well, sir, your negotiator said nothing about a down payment.
INT.
LAWRENCE
What are you doing?!
PAUL
He didn't know. Change of plans.
EXT.
KARL
I want to talk to your negotiator again.
INT.
Paul sets the phone on the table and switches it to speaker mode.
PAUL
Go ahead.
LAWRENCE
I'm here.
EXT.
KARL
No, I mean I want to talk face to face.
INT.
PAUL
No. We're not exchanging again.
Lawrence speaks quietly so the phone won't pick him up.
LAWRENCE
I'll go.
PAUL
There's nothing to discuss. Pay the ransom or we release the information.
Lawrence turns away, looking angry and a bit afraid.
EXT.
KARL
Right, let's just--
There's a gunshot. Karl jerks the phone away from his ear in surprise.
INT.
Paul is looking down at a bleeding wound in his chest in shock. Lawrence is holding a gun on him. Paul looks up at Lawrence.
EXT.
KARL
Armstrong!
Armstrong appears.
KARL
We have an emergency, get your team read to go in, shots have been fired inside the building.
INT.
Paul is looking at Lawrence in shock and bewilderment.
Lawrence fires again, the shot shattering the stunned silence in the room, hitting Paul in the head and sending him to the floor. Lawrence spins and moves the gun back and forth, covering Alexander and the other occupants of the room, who raise their hands.
Lawrence turns and addresses the cell phone on the table, still keeping the gun on the other conspirators.
LAWRENCE
This is Lawrence. I'm running the operation now.
EXT.
KARL
What just happened?
INT.
LAWRENCE
I just took over the operation. Forcefully.
EXT.
Karl turns to Armstrong, who is gathering his team.
KARL
Stand down, it's under control again.
INT.
LAWRENCE
You've paid the ransom. That wasn't a down payment, that was the full ransom. Weber, you have to believe me, this was my plan, he was just running it, but he changed it there, I had no idea he was going to try for more money.
EXT.
KARL
Given the fact that you just killed him, I believe it.
INT.
LAWRENCE
And just so you know. I wasn't going to let him give that information to anyone else.
EXT.
KARL
Well, I guess that's good to know.
INT.
LAWRENCE
There is one other thing.
EXT.
Karl looks very wary.
KARL
And what is that?
INT.
LAWRENCE
Amnesty and new identities.
EXT.
KARL
Can't do that.
INT.
Lawrence smiles, wiping spattered blood off his face.
LAWRENCE
Figured you'd say that.
Pause.
LAWRENCE
So what about shredding our identities? We never existed. And you don't come looking for us.
EXT.
KARL
Yeah. I think we can manage that. But don't count on me not looking for you.
INT.
LAWRENCE
What?
CUT TO
EXT. Beach – DAY
Lawrence is walking down the beach, in sandals and trunks, Hawaiian shirt, towel over his shoulder.
SCREEN TEXT
Tahiti, Six Months Later
A woman approaches Lawrence.
WOMAN
Mr. Durnell?
Lawrence turns and looks at her.
LAWRENCE
Yeah?
WOMAN
You've been highly recommended by a mutual friend.
LAWRENCE
Really. Nice of them.
WOMAN
I represent a black-ops organization performing operations for the United States. Unofficially of course. And our friend said you're perfect for the job.
Lawrence turns away and gazes out at the waves crashing against the beach.
WOMAN
Are you interested in at least talking about it, Mr. Durnell?
Lawrence turns back and smiles.
LAWRENCE
Call me LSD.
End credits roll.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As always, feedback is very, very welcome. I'd especially like hearing how you think the story works as a whole now that the completed version is up. Thanks for reading!
People shouldn't be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.
-
ProdigyFilmsinc.
- Senior Member
- Posts: 128
- Joined: Wed Sep 14, 2005 7:16 pm
- Location: Salt Lake City, Utah
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OutcastJiob
- Posting Freak
- Posts: 402
- Joined: Tue May 25, 2004 3:04 am
- Location: California
- Contact:
This is something I'd love to film. As of now, I think it's feasible for me to do sometime in the near future (no specific dates yet). The hardest thing is the fact that I need a cast that's 90%+ full adults. Young adults/late teens can fill a precious few parts, but everyone else needs to be an adult; I refuse to cast 16 year olds as CIA agents. Lawrence is supposed to be the youngest person in the film, and I want him 19-20 at the absolute youngest. So some late teens who look older could work, but. . . .that's the major hurdle for me right now.
I really appreciate all you who've taken the time to read and comment on this. Cheers, guys!
I really appreciate all you who've taken the time to read and comment on this. Cheers, guys!
People shouldn't be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.
-
UFProductions
- Forum Veteran
- Posts: 1479
- Joined: Sun Apr 18, 2004 5:12 am
- Location: Calgary, Alberta, Canada
I love it, nothing about this script seem amateur, and the fact that you are refusing to film it until all of the aspects have fallen perfectly in place makes me love it even more. The only thing I didn't care for with regards to this last section is the line:
LAWRENCE
I just took over the operation. Forcefully.
Too movie cliché in my mind, it is too "Hollywood" for this script. Dropping the "Forcefully" would be enough in my opinion, or re-written, but that's up to you. Great job, keep us all updated on the progress!
LAWRENCE
I just took over the operation. Forcefully.
Too movie cliché in my mind, it is too "Hollywood" for this script. Dropping the "Forcefully" would be enough in my opinion, or re-written, but that's up to you. Great job, keep us all updated on the progress!
Losing consciousness,
in the arms of an angel,
I find only peace.
in the arms of an angel,
I find only peace.
-
Lawriejaffa
- Forum Addict
- Posts: 709
- Joined: Sun Jul 24, 2005 6:38 pm
Well this is an interesting script, which really has some great things going for it. I think tho the strengths have already been identified however, i.e. that its a sexy, coherent, and very slick script.
To give assistance (and bearing in mind its just an opinion)
I think, I would be wary of the last act, of your script (presuming this as a whole.) Its strange but for all the characters (theres a few!) the end (from the death of Paul to the escape of LSD) seems in comparison to the build up - a quick finish.
The script, by building a larger cast, gives an impression we are about to become immersed in the pilot of a new political-action-thriller series, such as 24 (with a dash of mission impossible, and a slice of dark humour)
So while I think the ending does work, and it is a subversive ending which I quite liked! (leaving lots for potential extensions to the story) I think nonetheless it is rather abrupt.
Yet that is on the presumption that any production would in aesthetics and music, from production to er pumpkin, that this would be made in the vain of popular - american series.
While American, it doesnt necessarily need to comform to the music/visual stylisations of typical US big series. In fact for this kind of subversive offbeat story, its more important than ever to 'alienate' (very subtly) your audience, so they come to accept this 'more original' script (than it first appears!)
A good example in my mind, is the film 'Manhunter' (remade as Red Dragon) Now of course these are psychological thrillers, (and forgetting Red Dragon) the film Manhunter - whether u like it or not, creates for itself a very 'unique' visual and aurol style.
I think likewise your film should have an offbeat quality, a kind of haunting irony that pervades with the very very dark humour (that is only barely noticeable) that exists within what might ordinarly appear to be a (solidly written) but stock thriller script.
I think likewise, your characters are well written, but could if it is not for the careful emphasis of slightly offbeat qualities in your choice of actors, end up being cliche'd.
For that matter the characterisations of the Coen Brothers (not perhaps quite so indulgent as them lol) could be an interesting source to check out for Lawrence and Karl - the stars. They are both potentially - charismatic, pragmatic, cynical people, that deliver the dark vain of humour that mingles under the suspense you create.
Bearing that in mind, find actors that express these qualities, in both cases i'd go for actors that are older, (late 30s early 40s)
The pace of the script is good, the secondary characters seem relevant.
One gripe however i think is relevant to mention is that your film does imo need to build a greater sense of 'enigma' and 'suspense'. Now it does deliver some! The nukes are missing - my god they were going to Israel etc!
But before we get there, we already know the nukes are missing! In a way the Radio is delivering too much... we're thrown into the 2nd act while we're just minutes into the film (at least it feels like that)
I would make the radio announcement more suggestive of something terrible happening or being denied, without describiing it so explicitly.
eg.
RADIO
--and confirmed that they will make no concessions to the United Nations. In other news, the White House continues its boycott of press meetings amist accusations that the military intends to station weapons of mass destruction in middle eastern countries deemed unstable...
(okay that was cr**, my attempt was to show how u could be more ambiguis, i think i hopefully gave u an idea of what i meant even tho my example sucks lol)
The reason this film will in the end work or not, is determined i think, on you very subtlely playing against 'type' in both casting, and in visual and aurol representation. Whether you realise it or not your script does this already, and i think the continuation of that creative element is vital.
So,
With some offbeat =
If that is achieved you will have a subversive cracker of a thriller that will be enjoyed by most mainstream elements and arties
Without =
(and if not, it will appear like a stock studio thriller, which for the first 2/3 will appeal to FOX Tv watchers, - who, covered in pretzel crumbs stare dumbfounded at the films ending, and watch the football later in a terrible mood.)
Good luck, hope i helped, regarding the pm, happy to oblige. While regardless your script writing is for these forums, very sophisticated.
To give assistance (and bearing in mind its just an opinion)
I think, I would be wary of the last act, of your script (presuming this as a whole.) Its strange but for all the characters (theres a few!) the end (from the death of Paul to the escape of LSD) seems in comparison to the build up - a quick finish.
The script, by building a larger cast, gives an impression we are about to become immersed in the pilot of a new political-action-thriller series, such as 24 (with a dash of mission impossible, and a slice of dark humour)
So while I think the ending does work, and it is a subversive ending which I quite liked! (leaving lots for potential extensions to the story) I think nonetheless it is rather abrupt.
Yet that is on the presumption that any production would in aesthetics and music, from production to er pumpkin, that this would be made in the vain of popular - american series.
While American, it doesnt necessarily need to comform to the music/visual stylisations of typical US big series. In fact for this kind of subversive offbeat story, its more important than ever to 'alienate' (very subtly) your audience, so they come to accept this 'more original' script (than it first appears!)
A good example in my mind, is the film 'Manhunter' (remade as Red Dragon) Now of course these are psychological thrillers, (and forgetting Red Dragon) the film Manhunter - whether u like it or not, creates for itself a very 'unique' visual and aurol style.
I think likewise your film should have an offbeat quality, a kind of haunting irony that pervades with the very very dark humour (that is only barely noticeable) that exists within what might ordinarly appear to be a (solidly written) but stock thriller script.
I think likewise, your characters are well written, but could if it is not for the careful emphasis of slightly offbeat qualities in your choice of actors, end up being cliche'd.
For that matter the characterisations of the Coen Brothers (not perhaps quite so indulgent as them lol) could be an interesting source to check out for Lawrence and Karl - the stars. They are both potentially - charismatic, pragmatic, cynical people, that deliver the dark vain of humour that mingles under the suspense you create.
Bearing that in mind, find actors that express these qualities, in both cases i'd go for actors that are older, (late 30s early 40s)
The pace of the script is good, the secondary characters seem relevant.
One gripe however i think is relevant to mention is that your film does imo need to build a greater sense of 'enigma' and 'suspense'. Now it does deliver some! The nukes are missing - my god they were going to Israel etc!
But before we get there, we already know the nukes are missing! In a way the Radio is delivering too much... we're thrown into the 2nd act while we're just minutes into the film (at least it feels like that)
I would make the radio announcement more suggestive of something terrible happening or being denied, without describiing it so explicitly.
eg.
RADIO
--and confirmed that they will make no concessions to the United Nations. In other news, the White House continues its boycott of press meetings amist accusations that the military intends to station weapons of mass destruction in middle eastern countries deemed unstable...
(okay that was cr**, my attempt was to show how u could be more ambiguis, i think i hopefully gave u an idea of what i meant even tho my example sucks lol)
The reason this film will in the end work or not, is determined i think, on you very subtlely playing against 'type' in both casting, and in visual and aurol representation. Whether you realise it or not your script does this already, and i think the continuation of that creative element is vital.
So,
With some offbeat =
If that is achieved you will have a subversive cracker of a thriller that will be enjoyed by most mainstream elements and arties
Without =
(and if not, it will appear like a stock studio thriller, which for the first 2/3 will appeal to FOX Tv watchers, - who, covered in pretzel crumbs stare dumbfounded at the films ending, and watch the football later in a terrible mood.)
Good luck, hope i helped, regarding the pm, happy to oblige. While regardless your script writing is for these forums, very sophisticated.-
OutcastJiob
- Posting Freak
- Posts: 402
- Joined: Tue May 25, 2004 3:04 am
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UFProductions: noted. That goes on my "dialogue to re-write list"
Lawrie, thanks very much for the detailed critique, and thanks so much for doing it so quick, I greatly appreciate it. I'm printing it off and am going to reference it while writing the second draft of the screenplay.
Thanks again to everyone who's read this and to those who read it in the future! I'm very grateful for any comments, critiques, or thoughts on it. I'll be sure to post the second draft / rewrite as soon as I've completed it.
Lawrie, thanks very much for the detailed critique, and thanks so much for doing it so quick, I greatly appreciate it. I'm printing it off and am going to reference it while writing the second draft of the screenplay.
Thanks again to everyone who's read this and to those who read it in the future! I'm very grateful for any comments, critiques, or thoughts on it. I'll be sure to post the second draft / rewrite as soon as I've completed it.
People shouldn't be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.
-
youngfilmmaker
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