Opinion wanted on script quality: Shadows Passing

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Paradigm
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Opinion wanted on script quality: Shadows Passing

Post by Paradigm »

Hello all.

I've wandered around on this forum for awhile now but just became a member.

Here is a short excerpt from a script I wrote for a filmaker friend and I am wanting your opinions on the quality, flow, immersivness etc....

It is a thriller designed to be really low budget with few actors, sorry if some of it doesn't make a lot of sense.

Summary: Two people are driving down dirt road, something happens, they crash. They try to fix the vehicle and they get attacked by...... A very scary thing....(demon/specter/shadow)

Anyways here is the excerpt:


EXT - WOODED AREA - LATE AFTERNOON

At hearing the shriek the man looks up from the stone
as the woman is seen running back his direction.
He stands and starts heading toward the woman.

GUY
What happened? What's wrong?

GIRL
(Running up)
There's something over there!!

GUY
What??

GIRL
Over around those rocks. There's
something out here!

GUY
What? There's nothing out here... except
animals. What, did you see a bear or
something?

GIRL
(As if trying to convince him she's
not crazy)
Look! I saw something over there OK! It
wasn't an animal or anything. Let's
hurry and leave.

GUY
(Obviously doubting her now, as he
starts walking towards where she
ran from)
Hey, look. There is nothing over here...
ok?

The man walks over to the rock out-cropping where
the woman just was. The woman half-cautiously
follows him as He walks around the edge. The man
comes around the edge and sees nothing.

GUY
What'd I tell you. Nothing. You just let
the graveyard get to you.

GIRL
I saw something. It wasn't my
imagination.

GUY
Come'on, lets get back to the car. We're
losing time.

EXT - DIRT ROAD - WOODED AREA - LATE AFTERNOON/EVENING

They walk back to the SUV and he starts checking ignition parts
again while the woman cautiously glances back towards the
woods every once in a while. A few fleeting/glimpsing shots
of the specter is seen moving about in the woods as if
watching the people.

Unspecified amount of time goes by and the woman starts
hearing noises coming from the direction she had
seen something before. She nervously/cautiously
starts walking into the forest again about 20 feet
and starts to hear more noises, mixed voices(kind
of slightly disturbing sounding). The woman turns
around and runs back toward the vehicle.

GIRL
(Coming back to SUV)
There's something out there. Can't you
hear that?

GUY
(Grumbling at vehicle and getting
out from under hood and turning)
What? What are you talking about?

GIRL
Can't you hear that? All those noi-

GUY
(Slightly cutting her off)
Hear what- Look, there is nothing out
there ok?

The woman looks at him with an unconvinced,
doubting look. The man puts his tools/instruments
down and starts walking back into the forest motioning
the woman to follow him.

GUY
(Motioning her to follow him)
Come on.

GIRL
What?

GUY
I'm going to show you that there is
absolutely nothing out here, again. Come
on. (she gives an uncertain look and
hesitates) Come Oon.

Reluctantly at first she follows him into forest.

EXT - WOODED AREA - EVENING

The man and woman walk towards the area they were
at before. The woman stops short of the rock
out-cropping. The man motions her to follow and
she hesitantly does. They go around the edge and
they see nothing.

GUY
(He has an "I told you so" look on
face)
See...

A moment later they start hearing noises seemingly
off in one direction. They glance around slightly
nervously then look towards the direction of the
noises. All at once the specter appears to
one side and with an unnerving scream rushes them.
The specter knocks them over and tries
grabbing one of them. The man kicks it as they get
up and start running.

The specter chases after them as they run,
appearing on one side then the other, then behind
them. The man pushes the woman ahead as he grabs a
large stick/branch and whips around swinging it
the oncoming specter.

The specter catches the stick in mid-swing
and throws the man with it sending him 15+ feet
away. The woman sees the man get thrown and rushes
to him as the specter throws the stick away
with seemingly no effort. The woman shakes the man
trying to get him up, the man drags himself up and
they start running again toward the road, as they
run they glance around and can't see the
specter.

Out of nowhere the specter appears rushing
at them from the side. They keep running with the
specter right behind them screaming with a
terrifying shriek. They reach the SUV and run to
the and back jump/dive into the inside as the man
pulls the back shut. As he pulls the back shut the specter
reaches the vehicle and strikes it with loud thud
rocking the vehicle. They see glimpses of the
specter appearing at different sides outside
the vehicle, shaking it time to time then,
nothing.

The man and woman sit inside the vehicle, huddled
together watching outside for the specter to
appear again. It doesn't.

GIRL
Where is it?

GUY
I don't know...

GIRL
Will the car start?

GUY
The keys are outside... With the  tool
bag and the gun.

GIRL
What are we going to do? It'll kill us!

GUY
Maybe we're safe in here. Maybe it left.

The man and woman sit in the vehicle watching
outside for the specter. Unspecified amount
of time goes by and they start nodding off from
exhaustion. (Camera can start fading out at this
point)

INT - SUV - WOODED AREA - LATE EVENING/NIGHT

The man starts waking up and gets startled when
sees the rear window. As a result the woman wakes
up and gasps at the rear window. Written backwards
on the outside of the window is the text "Perutti
Nex" written in what appears to be blood.

GIRL
What is it? What does it mean?

GUY
(Realizing what what language it is
and what it means)
It's Latin.

GIRL
What?

GUY
Consuming death, in Latin.

GIRL
(starting to freak out)
We're gonna die!! We're gonna die!! I
don't want to d-

GUY
(Cutting her off, maybe shaking her
a little)
No!! We are going to be fine just calm
down!

GIRL
No! We are going to die I know it. We
ar-

GUY
(Cutting her off again) Quiet! It'll be
fine ok. It'll be fi-

The man stops what he is saying as they start
hearing noises. They start looking around as the
noises start getting louder. Disturbing noises mixed
with voices, all twisted and mangled. The noises
get louder until they seem to pierce through the
people.

Suddenly there is a loud thump on the side of the
vehicle and the silloutte of the specter can
be seen. The man and woman jump back to the other
side of the vehicle (noises are getting louder and
more disturbing). The woman opens the back and
jumps out as the man is trying to grab her to

GUY
NOOO!!
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Bodysnatcher
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RE: Opinion wanted on script quality: Shadows Passing

Post by Bodysnatcher »

not much to go on here, but overal I liked it, you coul dbe much more exprssive with your words and scene setting to convey the sense of mystory more, really get people interested in the characters, even feel for them, and bigging up the shade would not go amis either, but like you said, it is an excerpt so I guess there is much more to it in terms of plot, story, character bulinding etc?
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Paradigm
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RE: Opinion wanted on script quality: Shadows Passing

Post by Paradigm »

Thanks for the feedback!! As far as the wording goes, I just wanted to get kind of what has to be told out there and leave the rest up to what my friend wants to do with it as far the how the scenes are setup and stuff. It also kind of seemed more flexable with less descriptiveness, considering the extreme low budget I didn't want to get too in depth and I also wrote it kind of fast to get it done quick. Looking back though, I can see your point about describing more detail to the scenes. Maybe I think weird?? I hope to get another script(bigger one) done fairly soon, I'll definately take my time on it.

Yes, there is also a fair amount more to the script. I still need to smooth some roughness in parts though. Funny how it's so much clearer in your head before you put it to paper.
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RE: Opinion wanted on script quality: Shadows Passing

Post by chrisgreen »

I Largly agree with Bodysnatcher, but i think the dialouge could do with being padded out a little more. The main improvement needs to be made in the opening scene, the dialouge seems very rushed and the girl seems overly panicked by a relativly small event, if you tone that down a bit and add a little more dialouge i think it'd work well.
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