WW2 Script "The Enemy Within" Revised

[maj_barnes]

Crazy view of part of the set.


I know it's been awhile with this movie (started writing this last December), but this is the fourth revision to the script. As of right now I have 5/6 of the gear I need; although I do not see me filming this for awhile so I thought I might as well repost it and see how it is now.

If any of you remember this script at all, this plays alot on irony, and trust me, I just piled it on. My main fear is some of the new scene are way too arty farty in my mind, and I'd like to have a third party opinion. If you read the script before, I suggest you read it beginning to end again due to the amount of changes.

Basic character loadout:

SSgt. Franklin- M1 Thompson
Cpl. Rineheart- M3 Grease Gun
Pfc. Patricks- M1 Carbine
Pvt. Kowaliski- M1 Carbine
Pvt. Tompkins- Medic

Code: Select all

The Enemy Within
By: Michael Barnes


[Five Americans walking along railroad tracks; they are in a straight-line in-between the two rails.]
Pvt. Tompkins
“So where are we heading to exactly?â€

[Bodysnatcher]

that was great, the dialogue has been very well written, I will read it a few more times and provide better comments for you.

[maj_barnes]

Thank you, did you think it was too arty farty?

[Bodysnatcher]

not really, there are a few points that I would change personelyl but all in all it flowed very well for a short.

[maj_barnes]

What parts would you've like to have changed?

I would love to get more opinions!

[Bodysnatcher]

well, I would change the familirisation they have with the enemy weapons instead of calling for them by there officail designation, i thought they woudl use nicknames?
and the connection between the charcters seemed to ebb and flow, one second they were all pals, on nearly first name basis as if they had been together for a long time, and at others they seemed to have no connection with each other. there were no characters that I developed an empathy with (a combination of nothing leaping out at me about anyone in particular and also it is a short so there was no time to get to know any of them), I would like to see more of this so do you have the updated script at all? on the whole though, in answer to your original question, I do like the quips between the characters in parts [quote]
Cpl. Rineheart
“It’s just like those old picture shows: Indian raids on the settlement, their low on men. Getting cut up real bad; so they send in the Calvary. And guess who we are?â€

[maj_barnes]

I made them say the full name of the weapons mostly because when I watched BoB they would say the full name, but I'll change it to seem more fluid.

I never gave much thought on the character development, I should broaden it out a bit more. You think maybe some more dialogue scenes (with more backstory on homelife) will do it? As for the characters becoming detached, I thought since they were getting killed off, that might put a bit of a damper on formalities. But it does still seem alittle strange like you said.

And the grenade scene, I was trying to get a chuckle out of the audience.

[Bodysnatcher]

the chuckle worked well , but still nice and cheesy, there they are in the heart of a battle to the death and Tompkins (good honest name) gets all funny. lol
as for a back story it is a fine line to judge, a lot will depend on the finished length, if it is too short you are not going to get enough screen time to devote enough to each character, might want to try concentrating it on two or three characters and fleshing them out with the others as a 'backdrop' ? or even look at it being seen through the eyes of the final survivor, a sort of BoB style, with Tompkins relivignthe final moments of a beloved squad?, a sort of V/O and flash back ?

[maj_barnes]

I wasn't really meaning for Tompkins himself to look funny, more like just doing the thing that first popped into his head. The three main characters as you can see are Tompkins, Patricks, and Rineheart; my only thought on getting more out of them would be explanding on the dialogue scenes already in there, or having some personal article come into play.

Wow, I can't believe you mentioned the flashback thing! I had that in mind when I went to write this. Well, more like the opposite. I really wanted to avoid any flashbacking ro some kind of narrator. I wanted to just see the story through the eyes of the characters, kina a 3rd person limited view.

I still can't believe you're the only one who has responded to this... the first draft got at least 7 reviews.

[Bodysnatcher]

Lol, I like to follow things that interest me.

[justin!butcher]

Hey, I didnt have time to read the entire script, but I have read the posts. I dont think the dialouge was cheesy at all...................AS LONG as you have your actors act it right. If you do I think it would be a really awesome touch Good job. Btw. The gun in the picture at the top of your first post...well it looks more like a BAR than an m1 carbine. Consider changing it to BAR

[maj_barnes]

Thanks!

So far the acting part of it is coming along nicely. The cast so far are all over 18 so that's a plus. And for the picture, I can see how it looks like a BAR: but it's far too small, and the magazine itself is a carbine magazine. I think this picture will give you a better idea of the size.

Thanks for... reading a little of it.