What do you think - honestly?

[dtb1980]

A Drunks Tale



INT. CAR - 2328 HOURS - JULY 8TH 2001

WHITE

His old fractured face rises from its blood soaked slumber.

WHISTLE - Inhale - WHISTLE - Inhale...

Sluggishly turning to his son, throat torn with shattered
windscreen, his eyes fade.

The rear view mirror dangled, catching the reflection of
the flames sparking in the back seat.

He slides his seat belt from around him, but his son's wont
unfasten.

Grasping broken glass from the floor he tears at the belt.

The red heat from behind holds his gaze in the mirror.
Beads of sweat tumble as his frown deepens and his eyes
lock onto his son.

FATHER
I'm goin' for help!

His sons eyes open - looking at his father as he scrambles
out the burning wreckage.

His son mouths the word - Dad.

The father looks back and into his sons eyes.

WHITE

SON (V.O.)
Dad...
(whispered)

CUT TO:



EXT. PARK BENCH - 2326 HOURS - JULY 8TH 2005

Sitting up like the resurrected, clutching his cheap
whiskey.

His weathered face covered in thick facial hair, long dirty
locks greyed with life flowed over his wax jacket.

His rough, filthy hands took his drink to his lips, he
swallowed swiftly. The bottle fully tilted as he guzzled.

Through the thick bottle bottom a shadow in the dark
distance could be seen, swaying with the wind.

Lowering the bottle to reveal the vastness of the
surroundings, the distance street lamps illuminated the
horizons sparse night life. Closer to home the spaced
lights made the green grass and trees visible against the
contrasting darkness.

With the bottle lowered the shadow disappears.

Sitting up right on the bench, he damps down his beard and
starts to drink once again. Bottle full tilt, the shadow
stands once again.

FATHER
WHOSE THERE?

Raising the bottle again - he scans around looking for the
shadow, it stands in the same place...

FATHER
ANSWER ME!

He rises to his feet, his footsteps stutter as he walks to
the edge of the path. He mumbles as he moves,

FATHER
Young - bloody - hooligan -
playing games in the middle of
the night...
(mumbling)

Standing on the edge he lifts the bottle up, once again
scanning the field for the shadow.

Looking to where it once stood, nothing was there besides
the darkness of night.

FATHER
Where's the bloody...

He continues to scan, a shadow flickers past right in front
of him - he lowers the bottle and looks in the direction it
moved in, nothing.

FATHER
DON'T PLAY GAMES...

He turns around, looking into the distance.

From the shadows

FATHER (CONT'D)
...NOT WITH ME!

SHADOW
You did this!

He spins fully around,

FATHER
WHO SAID THAT?

Holding the bottle up to his eye, the drink drips down his
beard.

A shadow shoots across the screen striking him, knocking
him backwards. Dropping the bottle, it crashes on the
concrete.

FATHER
Who are you?

He looks around, terrified.

He's struck again... And again. He stumbles down to his
knee's, his hands drag across the glass.

He rummages for the bottle's bottom, holding it to his eye -
he looks up and see's the shadow standing over him.

FATHER
What are you...

FATHER (CONT'D)
WHAT ARE YOU?

SHADOW
You did this.

FATHER
I don't know you...

FATHER (CONT'D)
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!

SHADOW
You knew me...

WHISTLE - Inhale - WHISTLE - Inhale,

His face drops, the father looks at the shadow with
amazement.

FATHER
Son...

Starring through the bottle's bottom, the shadow moved
closer - areas of black became white. High area's of
detail, material shades and textures could be seen - albeit
shimmering in a ghostly fashion.

The white moves up revealing more, it moves closer as the
white stutters and flickers across its mouth.

SHADOW
You left me!

The ghostly white mouth snarls with anger - a demonic image
with a torn throat, oozing blood around its broken teeth.

SHADOW
YOU LEFT ME!

Standing quickly the father runs, underneath the street
lamps the shadow pushes and pulls him. Sending him to the
ground...

...then dragged, kicked and pushed towards the parks
entrance.

SHADOW (O.S.)
You lived...

FATHER
I went for help.

SHADOW (O.S.)
I died...

FATHER
I couldn't get you out!

SHADOW (O.S.)
I burnt...

He cries out,

FATHER
I tried!

Always struggling to get up under the constant attacks.

Looking through the bottle's bottom, he see's the shadow
lean down on him - striking the bottle shard from his
hands.

SHADOW (O.S.)
Do you feel guilty?

He scurries across the floor, yards away from the gate.
Looking into the darkness but the shadow was gone.

The voice echo's in the darkness.

SHADOW (O.S.)
DO YOU FEEL GUILTY!

FATHER
I tried to help...

SHADOW (O.S.)
Your the reason my last breath
was alone.

FATHER
NO!

SHADOW (O.S.)
Your the reason mother died
alone.

FATHER
NO!

SHADOW (O.S.)
You will die... Alone!

He shakes his head, tears rolling while lying in the middle
of the footpath just outside the park.

SHADOW (O.S.)
You are guilty...

Still crawling,

SHADOW (CONT'D)
And the guilty should pay.

Crawling into the road - headlights cover him in a white
glow.

FATHER
Son!

He slowly turns his head back to the footpath where he
crawled from. His dead son and wife stand there showered
in white, there faces distort into the horrific ghosts they
had become - shaped around the tragic way each died.

They shoot from the path towards the Father, their faces
wretched and torn in pain - he looks back to the headlights
- SCREAMING.

WHITE

WHISTLE - Inhale - WHISTLE - Inhale...

FADE OUT.

[tambourineman]

huh

[wildabeast009]

I'm not quite I understand the plot very well. Is the part where the son comes back a halluicination of some kind? Also, take a lot of the detailed description out along with any camera directions. This is not your job as a writer. Details are left up to the director to do. Even if you know you're going to be the director, it is just fluff in your writing, which is not needed. Just set up the basic scene stucture with the action part of the script. Of course there are always a few exceptions for paticullary detailed scenes.... If you sorta clear up what exactly is going on, I'll try to comment on the plot some.

[Pubicface]

I wouldn't take out the detail, just make sure it has flow to it, the way you describe the setting will make the scene come alive for the reader. As for the story itself, (assuming you might want to make it longer) you might wanna add some more backstory to what happened. Cuz you show the kid and the dad going for help, but that just makes him look like a panzy. You should either pick one route or the other for the Dad character, if you make him do everything possible to save his son before goin to get help then it will inspire sympathy and make the ghost of the son look like a d!ck for attacking him. But if you just let him run off like that you make him seem like a sissy who deserves to get ripped apart. Also you should include some more backstory (like about wtf happened to the Mom) or scenes of someone talking about what happened to him before you see the Dad (which would make his situation seem graver and more realistic sense the whole town knows about it) as the drunk version of himself. Besides that its got a good ending and horror story.