Help with script

[KohrsFilms]

Hi everyone. I'm writing a script for a short film and I wanted to get some input on it. I'm going to send it into a short film script contest and I want it to be the best it can be. The title is Cold Dead, but I don't really care much for that title and I want to change it to something different. So any suggestions on a new title would be great. Well anyways here is the script.


(Fade in)
INT- Brad’s Bedroom – Morning
(The camera glides through the room past Brad who’s sleeping. The camera stops at his alarm clock which goes off and plays the radio. Right next to the clock is a picture of his girlfriend Jessica. A post-it note on the picture frame reads,â€

[XhuntedoverlordX]

I don't know how short you wanted it to be, but it seemed a little bit too small for me, almost like the length of a commercial. Good concept though, I liked the script and I think if you expanded a little bit more and slowed down the pace you'd really have something. And like when Brad rolls through the flower bed and grabs flowers for Jessica, I think that has some potentiol to add some humour to it. All in all it was pretty good. I know that my opinion probably doesn't count for much, but personally I'd love to see you expand this and make it into a short (half hour or so) movie.

[naflish]

ahaha..abit weird... u got inspired after the movie 28 days later?

the way u tried to relate the desease with the zombie (newspaper article and the dvd) is
kinda cliche.because i dont think can relate that immediately by just looking at kevin/
..can be more clear if kevin tries to choke brad's neck (not just coming towards him)
but he think kevin just playing around. along the way to pharmacy, mybe can put some situation where
there's some people doing weird things with themselves....

then things get serious after he found out the whole pharmacy tries to choke him, including george.

thats what i think...

[KohrsFilms]

I'd love to see you expand this and make it into a short (half hour or so) movie.

Yeah I know I'll have to add more to it. This is just the first draft. Hopefully I'll be able to bring down the pacing because as you guys pointed out it is rather fast. I had my teacher read it and she said that I needed to make the ending a bit stronger. She said that the "it's the cold but it's not the cold but it kinda is" ending was a little weak.

..can be more clear if kevin tries to choke brad's neck (not just coming towards him)
but he think kevin just playing around. along the way to pharmacy, mybe can put some situation where
there's some people doing weird things with themselves....

then things get serious after he found out the whole pharmacy tries to choke him, including george.

The only problem I see with that is why would they try to choke him if they were only sick with a cold. Everyone is moping around cause they are sick and don't feel good, not because they are all zombies. But we aren't supposed to figure that out until the end. So I other words I'm doing a zombie moive without zombies. If that makes any sense.

[naflish]

hmm.. if they just moping around emotionless then whats with the scare all about?
the desease is not strong enough i think

[Bullseye]

the dialogue does nothing to help the actual story, so most of it is wood, horribly written, and there just as a filler i.e. the shower scene, Brad telling everyone (even the clock) that he has the day off. don't hit us over the head with it, tell us through the image that he has the day off. don't show a calendar. and don't show a headline that says unknown disease. audiences don't want to read signs they want it played out to them, and that totally goes for listing the symptoms. and the blurb at the end explaining it all is so obvious. you should make the people have the symptoms of a cold instead of zombie-like behavious. or even make them zombies with runny noses or something but make it relevant, and SHOW the symptoms instead of list them. people will put it together. they'll see six zombies sniffling and once someone else sneezes or somethign they'll immediately go "oh, he's totally infected."

the only way i see this working is to add more humour. it could actually be funny, but i can't tell if you're trying to be seriously scary or intentionally funny. it doesn't work either way.

p.s.
you write like it's a kid's movie.

[KohrsFilms]

I wrote it to be a comedy. But if you couldn't tell then I guess it needs a lot of work done to it.

[naflish]

comedy? thought this is a serious movie..
u need to show it in the script..or the action the character's doing.. play around with brad and kevin
see if can get any hilarious situation between them. can be sort of a dark-comedy which i think
what the plots is now

[KohrsFilms]

I will work on the Brad and Kevin scene and see if I can make it funnier. I'm doing work on the pharmacy scene now. I'm changing it so Brad walks in and finds that George has been infected. Then a mob of customers (also infected) come in and make it difficult for Brad to get out of the store.

[Bodysnatcher]

Kins of reminds me of the start of Shaun of the Dead. any script writting help then just drop me a line.

[ZombieKrieg2005]

it suggests like it should be filmed kind of like spaced... Not sure if you have seen it but with lots of quick moving camera work, when he sees the dvd etc zooming, moving closer very fast.

[Bodysnatcher]

it suggests like it should be filmed kind of like spaced... Not sure if you have seen it but with lots of quick moving camera work, when he sees the dvd etc zooming, moving closer very fast.

Would have to agree here, but you will need ot make it longer by a fair bit I think and use the fast zoom effect with care. it has the makings of a good funny with out over doing it.

[Mr.Anderson]

Yes. This needs some work. I didnt realize it was a comedy. Not to be mean, I thought it was a poorly written horror short. Alright, as a comedy it has some potential. But, firstly, if you're gonna make an alusion to something else (aka. The Night of the Living Dead) dont have the characters looking at the movie or something, make it subtle. When he runs out the door we hear the NOTLD theme, or make his g/f named barbara or something. Dont beat us over the head with it.
And you kind of had the same event played out over and over in different places. KEVIN: Moans, Oh no! zombie. NEIGHBOR: Moans. Oh no! zombie! CUSTOMER: Moans. Oh no! Zombie! JESSICA: Moans. Oh no! zombie! You just have to change things up a little bit. Dont worry, it does have potential to be a comedy, a good one at that. I hate throwing out negative critcism. But, im just trying to help. You should see "Shaun of the Dead". That would be right up your alley on this.