First Drama Script - Untitled

[Bugalicious]

Hey there. Its been a while since Ive been on here, but recently Ive been writing a shortish script for an english class and was wondering about other peoples impressions.It was a bit of a challenge to write, as I dont usually write drama. I hope you enjoy reading it... Jonathan


'UNTITLED'

SCENE 1

FADE IN FROM OPENING CREDITS
EXT – NIGHT – BRIDGE

(It is raining heavily, with water collecting on the road. LIAM, a depressed looking teenager, stands on the sidewalk, leaning onto the railing. He is staring down at a river that is unusually running rapid. The street light above him flickers slightly. Next to him is a baseball bat, sitting up against the railing. The Bridge is quiet, with the exception of the loud rain hitting the ground, no cars drive across it. Above his left eye, Liam has a bloody gash.)

LIAM (V.O.)
How did I get here?

(Beat)

A week ago I’d have never thought that I’d be here. It’s a struggle to remember exactly what just happened.

(He closes he eyes and brings his hand up to the gash.)

LIAM (V.O.)
You’re probably wondering why I’m at this place.

LIAM
(Mildly caring)
Ow.

LIAM (V.O.)
I’m wondering that myself.

(He starts to pace slowly back and forth.)

LIAM (V.O)
(Starting to panic)
Too many random thoughts.

(He gets back to where he was standing, and picks up the bat and climbs over the railing. He stands on the small ledge, his left hand clutching the railing, the other clutching the bat.)

LIAM (V.O.)
If I only had sorted this out before, it wouldn’t be so hard to do now.

(Beat)
LIAM (CONT.)
Here goes.

(As he jumps, the screen goes black. The sound of something hitting the water can be heard.)

START CREDITS
(Credits are simplistic; white on black lettering.)

SCENE 2

Fade in from credits.

Ext – Day – School Exterior.

(Outside a new, fresh looking school building. Cars are driving past out front, stopping to let students out. There are groups of students standing and sitting around in small groups talking. Yet another car drives up and LIAM gets out. He swings his backpack over his shoulder and looks back to the car.)

LIAM
Seeya later mom.

(The car drives off as Liam takes a few steps forward. He then looks up to see his friend BRETT, who is leaning up against the school building. He is staring at a blonde girl, who is talking to a friend. She is looking a little bit nervous as she looks around at people walking past her. As Liam approaches, Brett is still staring with a dopey look on his face. Liam stands there for a second. He looks at where Brett is staring then back at Brett. He waves his hand in front of Brett’s face.)

LIAM
You do know that there are laws against stalking.

BRETT
(Not noticing Liam’s hand)
Huh?

LIAM
So who’s the girl?

BRETT
Who’s a girl?

LIAM
Um… The girl you’re staring at.

BRETT
I don’t know.
(Beat)

I think she’s new.
(Beat)

She’s a new girl. I think.

LIAM
Hmm. She’s cute.

BRETT
(Still dopey)

Yes.
(Beat)

Cute.
(Beat)

Do you think she’ll marry me?

LIAM
Well I’ve never heard of people marring people they don’t know before

BRETT
Russian Brides.

LIAM
I don’t think she’s Russian.

BRETT
Oh.

(Liam looks around to see a group of people walking inside. He picks up his backpack and grabs Brett’s arm.)

LIAM
I think we’d better get going now, Brett.

BRETT
(Dopey)
Okay.

(Liam picks up Brett’s pack and hands it to him. Liam heads inside with Brett slowly following, still with his head turned towards the girl.)

INT – DAY – School Corridor.

(Inside the school also looks new, with clean blue lockers lining the walls. There are a few people at their lockers rummaging around, with a couple chatting to each other. Liam walks up to his locker, throws his backpack on top, and starts to open the combination lock. Brett walks past him to his locker and leans on it. He now looks more ‘into it’ than before and is now looking at people walking past.)

BRETT
So, you going tonight?


LIAM
I dunno man. I’ve got to work tonight and by the time I get home and get ready and stuff.

BRETT
Come on! You hardly ever go to any parties anymore. You’re always working.

LIAM
Yeah, I know. It’s the busy season.

BRETT
I never knew that selling coffee had a busy season.

LIAM
(Finishing up, getting his books out)

Yeah, well it does.

(He closes his locker and locks it.)

LIAM
So are you planning on going to class today?

BRETT
What are you, my mum? I’ve got more important appointments today.

LIAM
What else could you possibly have to do today?

BRETT
That is for me to know and for you to not know.

LIAM
Wait. So you came all this way and you’re not even going to go to classes?


BRETT
Yeah, I had to get out of the house.

LIAM
Oh.

(There is an uncomfortable silence between the two, which is interrupted by the school bell ringing.)

BRETT
We’ll you’d better be off to class young scholar.

LIAM
Yeah. I’ll catch up with you later then.

(Liam starts to head off to class.)

BRETT
Behave yourself!

LIAM
Who do I look like? You?

(Brett laughs as Liam turns and goes into a class room.)


SCENE 3

INT – DAY – School Classroom.

(Inside the classroom are more students, some are standing around; others are sitting at their desk getting out books. There is no teacher in the room. There are still a couple of students walking in. Liam takes a seat, and lobs his books onto his desk.)

CLAIR
Excuse me? Is anyone sitting here?

(Liam looks up and realises it’s the new girl.)

LIAM
Um no. Go right ahead.

CLAIR
Thanks.

(She sits down, places her things on her desk and looks around.)


LIAM
You’re new here, right?

CLAIR
Yes.

(There is a pause of silence.)

LIAM
Oh, my names Liam.

(He holds his hand out to shake hers, who readily accepts.)

CLAIR
(Smiling)
I’m Clair.

(They both return to looking forward for a moment. Liam looks back.)

LIAM
So where did you used to live?

CLAIR
My and my parents used to live in Everdale.

LIAM
Oh cool. So why’d you move here?

CLAIR
My dad got a new job here at the plant.

LIAM
I heard they were getting in new people

(Clair looks at him, confused)

LIAM
My dad works there. He likes to talk about his work. Actually he never shuts up about it.

CLAIR
(Laughing)
Yeah, I get allot of that too.

(They both look forward again for a moment.)

LIAM
So do you know anyone else who goes here?

CLAIR
Are you saying that I can’t make friends or something?

LIAM
No. I didn’t mean that. I was just uh...

CLAIR
I’m joking. Do you know Rebecca Summers?

LIAM
(Relieved)
Um yeah. She’s in my history class. Did you meet her earlier?

CLAIR
No. She used to go to my primary school. She left though when she went to high school. We still sort of kept in touch.

LIAM
Well it’s cool that you know someone here already.

CLAIR
Yeah it makes it a lot easier.

(The Teacher enters the room and everyone goes quiet and gets in their seats. Liam and Clair both go quiet again and look ahead. The teacher, who is still going through his books, addresses the class.)

TEACHER
Sorry I’m late class. I had an urgent phone call. Now where did we leave off?

(A student in the second row calls out.)

STUDENT
Chapter 6.

TEACHER
Ah, right we are.

(He looks up at his class and notices Clair.)

TEACHER
Oh and you must be a new student.

(He rummages through his things and pulls out a yellow post-it note.)


TEACHER
Class could you please all kindly welcome ‘Clair Stevens’.

(The class all murmurs a “Hi Clairâ€

[UnkindSky]

It's not finished is it?

[Bugalicious]

yeah it sorta is. its supposed to end like that.

[UnkindSky]

Oh... wow... lol sry. Not used to scripts just ending (im NOT making fun of your script). I really enjoyed it tho. Really good

[XhuntedoverlordX]

Yes, very nice work. I especially enjoyed the part where Brett was drunk at the party, very well written. I look forward to seeing this once it's filmed.

[Themovieman44]

Okay, here is what I think. You're trying to hard in the begining to make a point to where the film is going. It actually comes of pretty stale. The voice overs aren't subtle at all. Too many questions, not great writing. You will learn, fundamentals of writing, never have the reader/viewer presented with more than one question per paragraph/bunch of dialogue. Truely a question should never be presented. Let them see it. It comes of too strong....

SCENE 1
LIAM (V.O.)
How did I get here?

(Beat)

A week ago I’d have never thought that I’d be here. It’s a struggle to remember exactly what just happened.

(He closes he eyes and brings his hand up to the gash.)

LIAM (V.O.)
You’re probably wondering why I’m at this place.

LIAM
(Mildly caring)
Ow.

LIAM (V.O.)
I’m wondering that myself.

(He starts to pace slowly back and forth.)

LIAM (V.O)
(Starting to panic)
Too many random thoughts.

(He gets back to where he was standing, and picks up the bat and climbs over the railing. He stands on the small ledge, his left hand clutching the railing, the other clutching the bat.)

LIAM (V.O.)
If I only had sorted this out before, it wouldn’t be so hard to do now.

(Beat)
LIAM (CONT.)
Here goes.

(As he jumps, the screen goes black. The sound of something hitting the water can be heard.)

START CREDITS
(Credits are simplistic; white on black lettering.)

There is no spunk in the voice overs....it made me not want to read it. I say drop the voice overs. Scene one should be played with action. A man waking up not knowing what is going on, where he is. He has a gash on his head. A baseball bat lays at his side. He stands and looks over the railing, confusion sets in, then he remembers. While this is happening roll credits. Sometimes images are more powerful than words, I think this is one of those times.

About the rest of the script, your dialogue is rounded, it comes and goes. Some places it's great, like in the conversations LIAM and BRETT have, seems like you almost took them from real life, which by the way, is how dialogue needs to be written.

I can tell you are not female, some of CLAIR's dialogue comes off cheesy and immature, I think you should do as one taught me. Observe life, watch how females talk to females, and how their speech differs when they talk to males. You will notice a big difference, and trust me, it will change your writing and make it better.

Any questions let me know,

Andrew