Crime Film (Two Sentence Pitch)

[OutcastJiob]

Thanks, chris! I greatly appreciate the feedback.

This is just a first draft of these scenes, too, just so you guys know, so there'll be some tweaking of the script, but I'm fairly happy with this bit right now. Just got to finish writing the rest of the script now. . . .

[OutcastJiob]

Sorry for the double post, but I'm adding content so I want the thread to jump.

Here's some more script. This immediately follows the part I posted previously; the CUT when Lawrence puts the phone down goes directly to this scene.



CUT TO

INT. Dark Room – No Evident Time

A man wearing a black business suit slips a Beretta into a harness, then buttons his jacket up. He slips a pair of leather gloves on.



CUT TO

EXT. Park – NIGHT

A man in a black suit is sitting on a park bench in the moonlight. Another man approaches and acknowledges the first man with a nod.

FIRST MAN
Come on.

The second man frowns.

SECOND MAN
What? I'm supposed to hand off the package and--

The first man pulls the Beretta and points it at the second man's head.

FIRST MAN
Come on, move.

The second man raises his hands slowly, then gets up from the bench and begins walking the way the first man indicates with his gun.


CUT TO

INT. Lawrence's Kitchen – NIGHT

Lawrence is sitting at his kitchen table, studying a physics textbook. The cordless phone next to the book rings, and he picks it up.

LAWRENCE
Yeah.

Pause.

LAWRENCE
Do we now. I'll be right there.

Lawrence clicks the phone off.



CUT TO

EXT. Office Building – NIGHT

Lawrence pulls up in front of the building. Moving shot following Lawrence as he walks into the building, keying a combination in at the front door.

He turns into the first door inside, and closes it into the camera.


CUT TO

INT. Headquarters Room – NIGHT

Lawrence walks away from the door. The room is full of computers and electronics equipment, and there's four guys operating the equipment. Lawrence is hailed by PAUL STALDER.

PAUL
Lawrence. That was quick.

Lawrence acknowledges Paul with a nod.

LAWRENCE
No traffic this late, Paul. How's it coming here?

Paul beckons ALEXANDER WALSH forward.

ALEXANDER
We picked up the spook about twenty minutes ago. Your info was good, he had the intel. Location, security, it was all there. We're holding him in the warehouse for now; extra bargaining chip.

PAUL
I'm already in touch with my Middle East contacts, they say they have at least seventeen serious buyers.

LAWRENCE
And the feds?

PAUL
Going according to plan. I'd give it an hour before they notice their man hasn't checked back in, another hour of panic before they get anything done.

LAWRENCE
So we wait.

Paul gestures at a table on the far side of the room

PAUL
Coffee's over there.

CUT TO

INT. Office – NIGHT

The CIA crest is visible on the wall. KARL WEBER is sitting at his desk, working on his computer. A knocking at the door.

KARL
Come in.

WILLAM WENDEN, one of Karl's subordinates, enters.

WILLIAM
Uh, we have a problem.

Karl looks up, alert and attentive.

KARL
What's going on?

WILLIAM
One of our field agents, assigned in Kuwait, got a flight here yesterday to drop some information.

KARL
He had to physically bring it? Why?

WILLIAM
Yeah, um--

William refers to a stack of papers in his left hand.

WILLIAM
--apparently his communications equipment was out, and it was urgent. Anyway, one of our agents was supposed to meet him, bring whatever he was carrying in to us. But he got mugged yesterday, beat up pretty bad, he's still in the hospital.

KARL
And?

WILLIAM
I don't know why, but, the rendezvous never got canceled.

Pause. Karl looks uncomprehending.


WILLIAM
And now. . . .well, the field agent. He left his hotel tonight to meet our agent and he hasn't checked back in. He's over an hour late and we can't get a hold of him on his cell or radio or anything.

CUT TO

-------------------------


Thoughts?

[chrisgreen]

Seems good still, like clancy just not as wordy. Carry on, wanna know what happens.

[OutcastJiob]

Thanks! I'm starting a new thread called "Compromised" (that's the working title for this flick) and posting what I've put here, and some more completed script.