Untitled Script.. Need Ideas

This forum is for the discussion of scripts and storyboards. Post your hints, tips or requests here.

Moderators: Admin, Moderator Team

User avatar
youngfilmmaker
Posting Freak
Posting Freak
Posts: 443
Joined: Thu Apr 21, 2005 1:55 am
Contact:

Untitled Script.. Need Ideas

Post by youngfilmmaker » Sun Mar 25, 2007 6:47 pm

Summary: This high school student does not fit in his local high school, he gets bullied and made fun of everyday. When he gets home, he dad just drinks and abuses him. He then brings a gun to school. And all hell goes loose.

I got most of the script done. But i need some ideas from the community.
First: What can make him so p*** off that he brings a gun to school.
What are some mean stuff people can do to him.


Second: I need to ask the school for permission to film there. Any suggestions on how i can do this.

Third: I do need cop cars and emergency vechiles: any way that i can do this by contacting the local police department?

Fourth: I want to cast people for the film. Should i talk to the play director at my school if he can help me out? Or am i better off by myself.
www.freewebs.com/skyrocketstudios

The majority of Americans - the ones who never elected you - are not fooled by your weapons of mass distraction.
-Michael Moore

User avatar
kene555
Forum Addict
Forum Addict
Posts: 576
Joined: Wed Aug 09, 2006 2:06 pm
Location: North East Ohio, USA
Contact:

RE: Untitled Script.. Need Ideas

Post by kene555 » Sun Mar 25, 2007 7:48 pm

talk to the play director. get people at school who can act to help you. they will gain experience and so will you by working with them.

maybe the student loses control because the bullies pull a stunt on him in front of the school (at an assembly or pep rally?)

I think it is possible to get some police vehicles involved, except you would need to pay them for their time. Perhaps you could find a friend whose parent could pull some strings for you.

As for asking permission, find some teachers at the school how can support you. If you have a media teacher or video instructor(like at my school) you can let them know what you're doing. Once you've got some weight behind you for support, ask the right people to mention your film to the principle to get their reaction. Then, talk to the prinicple yourself. Be very direct and specific in telling exactly what you need to do, where you need to do it, who will be involved and how many people will be with you. Tell how long you will take, and then hit them with the sucker-punch. Put their name in the credits for something(like a special thanks) and promise them a copy.

My film is entirely at school. I followed the above steps to get permission. It works. I got a kid from our thesbian society to act in it for us, so we'll have some talent.

But tell the principle everything, to be on the safe side.
Last edited by kene555 on Sun Mar 25, 2007 8:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.
CREATE FOR THE SAKE OF CREATING

http://www.neighborhoodstudios.com

User avatar
youngfilmmaker
Posting Freak
Posting Freak
Posts: 443
Joined: Thu Apr 21, 2005 1:55 am
Contact:

RE: Untitled Script.. Need Ideas

Post by youngfilmmaker » Sun Mar 25, 2007 8:14 pm

Kool.. Anymore ideas? What are some mean stuff that bullies do?
www.freewebs.com/skyrocketstudios

The majority of Americans - the ones who never elected you - are not fooled by your weapons of mass distraction.
-Michael Moore

User avatar
angusware
Posting Freak
Posting Freak
Posts: 272
Joined: Wed Jan 04, 2006 12:38 am

RE: Untitled Script.. Need Ideas

Post by angusware » Sun Mar 25, 2007 9:42 pm

beat him up alot, but you need to find a more original idea for the story, tweak it a bit, change the concept around and make it interesting.

User avatar
youngfilmmaker
Posting Freak
Posting Freak
Posts: 443
Joined: Thu Apr 21, 2005 1:55 am
Contact:

RE: Untitled Script.. Need Ideas

Post by youngfilmmaker » Mon Mar 26, 2007 1:05 am

Nice tip Kene. What is a really good way to make the police department help us out?

Any other mean ideas?
www.freewebs.com/skyrocketstudios

The majority of Americans - the ones who never elected you - are not fooled by your weapons of mass distraction.
-Michael Moore

User avatar
Jperson
Forum Addict
Forum Addict
Posts: 699
Joined: Tue Jul 11, 2006 8:54 am
Location: London, UK
Contact:

RE: Untitled Script.. Need Ideas

Post by Jperson » Mon Mar 26, 2007 11:18 am

Erg, how about stealing the dude's clothes in the playground infront of the whole school and then he goes into lessons and gets really badly told off...While weveryone is laughing at him. Humiliation and injustice are very important tools to be used. In the example I gave he gets both humiliated and recieves injustice. Maybe their could be some sort of religious/racial discrimination? Maybe he is mixed race and he gets lots of insults about his mother being black and then insults about his dad being a stupid, man who can't make good decisions...
[url=http://tinite.com][img]http://onstoryline.com/Atinitefilmsstrip.gif[/img][/url]

User avatar
youngfilmmaker
Posting Freak
Posting Freak
Posts: 443
Joined: Thu Apr 21, 2005 1:55 am
Contact:

RE: Untitled Script.. Need Ideas

Post by youngfilmmaker » Mon Mar 26, 2007 2:24 pm

Jperson. You bring about a good point.


Do you think this is an interesting story?

Would you watch this film?
www.freewebs.com/skyrocketstudios

The majority of Americans - the ones who never elected you - are not fooled by your weapons of mass distraction.
-Michael Moore

User avatar
Jperson
Forum Addict
Forum Addict
Posts: 699
Joined: Tue Jul 11, 2006 8:54 am
Location: London, UK
Contact:

RE: Untitled Script.. Need Ideas

Post by Jperson » Mon Mar 26, 2007 5:40 pm

I s'pose. I mean, it isn't the most original script but it could be a very good script. Put some tension in one day maybe. Maybe he goes to school with a gun but ends up chickening out. Then the next day he gets the guts and starts shooting. He could try and get help, but his dad finds out and stops him/abuses him.

I'll be interested to see how you'll make this film using the good old bullied;abused;goes mad idea. :£D It is used in countless films, sometimes more obvious than others. Sometimes it is set in a school, sometime in day to day like, the army...etc. But good luck and have phun! :D
[url=http://tinite.com][img]http://onstoryline.com/Atinitefilmsstrip.gif[/img][/url]

User avatar
youngfilmmaker
Posting Freak
Posting Freak
Posts: 443
Joined: Thu Apr 21, 2005 1:55 am
Contact:

RE: Untitled Script.. Need Ideas

Post by youngfilmmaker » Mon Mar 26, 2007 6:30 pm

Ok. Any other suggestions? Like:
Third: I do need cop cars and emergency vechiles: any way that i can do this by contacting the local police department?
www.freewebs.com/skyrocketstudios

The majority of Americans - the ones who never elected you - are not fooled by your weapons of mass distraction.
-Michael Moore

User avatar
kene555
Forum Addict
Forum Addict
Posts: 576
Joined: Wed Aug 09, 2006 2:06 pm
Location: North East Ohio, USA
Contact:

Post by kene555 » Mon Mar 26, 2007 9:21 pm

Here's some info, helpful only if you're in or around london

http://www.met.police.uk/filmunit/street.htm

vehicles are 67 pounds a day or about $150.

let me know where you live so i can dig up some info if this doesn't help you.

At least email or call the local department to get some info as well.
CREATE FOR THE SAKE OF CREATING

http://www.neighborhoodstudios.com

User avatar
angusware
Posting Freak
Posting Freak
Posts: 272
Joined: Wed Jan 04, 2006 12:38 am

Re: RE: Untitled Script.. Need Ideas

Post by angusware » Mon Mar 26, 2007 9:59 pm

Jperson wrote:Put some tension in one day maybe. Maybe he goes to school with a gun but ends up chickening out.


I do declare thats an awesome idea, make the audience think he's going to kill everyone, and make it something else like the shower scene in schindlers list...

User avatar
youngfilmmaker
Posting Freak
Posting Freak
Posts: 443
Joined: Thu Apr 21, 2005 1:55 am
Contact:

RE: Re: RE: Untitled Script.. Need Ideas

Post by youngfilmmaker » Tue Mar 27, 2007 3:59 am

No i live in US. Any ideas in which i can get the emergency vechiles?

How can i make the police department to be persuaded.

Good Ideas, angusware..anyone else?
www.freewebs.com/skyrocketstudios

The majority of Americans - the ones who never elected you - are not fooled by your weapons of mass distraction.
-Michael Moore

User avatar
kene555
Forum Addict
Forum Addict
Posts: 576
Joined: Wed Aug 09, 2006 2:06 pm
Location: North East Ohio, USA
Contact:

RE: Re: RE: Untitled Script.. Need Ideas

Post by kene555 » Tue Mar 27, 2007 11:35 am

Just tell them what you're doing. They'll be impressed that a young person in the community is taking the initiative and doing something constructive. Send an email and let us know where they stand.
CREATE FOR THE SAKE OF CREATING

http://www.neighborhoodstudios.com

User avatar
youngfilmmaker
Posting Freak
Posting Freak
Posts: 443
Joined: Thu Apr 21, 2005 1:55 am
Contact:

RE: Re: RE: Untitled Script.. Need Ideas

Post by youngfilmmaker » Tue Mar 27, 2007 10:51 pm

I will keep people posted.

--

Any more ideas for bullying? Or is that all?
www.freewebs.com/skyrocketstudios

The majority of Americans - the ones who never elected you - are not fooled by your weapons of mass distraction.
-Michael Moore

User avatar
youngfilmmaker
Posting Freak
Posting Freak
Posts: 443
Joined: Thu Apr 21, 2005 1:55 am
Contact:

RE: Re: RE: Untitled Script.. Need Ideas

Post by youngfilmmaker » Thu Mar 29, 2007 4:07 am

I got the script. I need a person to review it and tell me if its okay.
I need it read as soon as possible. Its 45 pages.

if you can do it. Post here or PM me.
www.freewebs.com/skyrocketstudios

The majority of Americans - the ones who never elected you - are not fooled by your weapons of mass distraction.
-Michael Moore

User avatar
kene555
Forum Addict
Forum Addict
Posts: 576
Joined: Wed Aug 09, 2006 2:06 pm
Location: North East Ohio, USA
Contact:

RE: Re: RE: Untitled Script.. Need Ideas

Post by kene555 » Thu Mar 29, 2007 11:36 am

email it to me

Ryan3078@gmail.com
CREATE FOR THE SAKE OF CREATING

http://www.neighborhoodstudios.com

User avatar
kene555
Forum Addict
Forum Addict
Posts: 576
Joined: Wed Aug 09, 2006 2:06 pm
Location: North East Ohio, USA
Contact:

RE: Re: RE: Untitled Script.. Need Ideas

Post by kene555 » Thu Mar 29, 2007 11:30 pm

I'm halfway through with it now.

Here's what I see. This is really well written. Consider using Celtx, it's a free download of scriptwriting software, takes care of the format and easy to learn. Check into that.

in the beginning, Kai is all for Mike going out with Katie. The next scene with him, Kai is suddenly against the idea. Either have Kai for or against the idea. i know you gave an explanation, but it just seems too sudden. Maybe have Kai encounter Johnny and Katie talking, and he hides (or makes himself look inconspicuous) and overhears them planning to do something to Mike. There just needs to be more reason for this change.

Will continue the post as I get time.
CREATE FOR THE SAKE OF CREATING

http://www.neighborhoodstudios.com

User avatar
kene555
Forum Addict
Forum Addict
Posts: 576
Joined: Wed Aug 09, 2006 2:06 pm
Location: North East Ohio, USA
Contact:

Post by kene555 » Thu Mar 29, 2007 11:33 pm

MIKE DODGES THE BOTTLE, HE RUNS TO THE OPEN DOOR. HE RUNS OUT AND SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT BEHIND HIMSELF.

IN THE BATHROOM

MIKE HAS PLACED THE SKETCH OF KATIE OVER THE SINK.


First Mike runs outside, then next shot he is back inside...oh wait, is the open door the hallway with the bathroom outside it?
CREATE FOR THE SAKE OF CREATING

http://www.neighborhoodstudios.com

User avatar
youngfilmmaker
Posting Freak
Posting Freak
Posts: 443
Joined: Thu Apr 21, 2005 1:55 am
Contact:

Post by youngfilmmaker » Fri Mar 30, 2007 12:23 am

Sorry. I will fix that. Mostly is that he is running out of the loving room and heading to the bathroom.
Thank you for your critisim. Tell me when you finish the script.

Would someone else link to review it?
www.freewebs.com/skyrocketstudios

The majority of Americans - the ones who never elected you - are not fooled by your weapons of mass distraction.
-Michael Moore

User avatar
kene555
Forum Addict
Forum Addict
Posts: 576
Joined: Wed Aug 09, 2006 2:06 pm
Location: North East Ohio, USA
Contact:

Post by kene555 » Fri Mar 30, 2007 2:13 am

Will finish tomorrow afternoon by 5pm eastern time
CREATE FOR THE SAKE OF CREATING

http://www.neighborhoodstudios.com

a.qotsa.fan
Member
Member
Posts: 33
Joined: Thu May 11, 2006 1:35 pm
Location: Lincolshire, England
Contact:

Post by a.qotsa.fan » Fri Mar 30, 2007 9:57 am

to make the guy angry,
some other people could like invite him to a party and they get him drunk, sounds fun but then they abuse the f*** out of him spike his drinks and then when hes passed out they could take pictures of him in compromising situations like him naked or something then post them on the internet and around the school,
thats quite mean lol

User avatar
kene555
Forum Addict
Forum Addict
Posts: 576
Joined: Wed Aug 09, 2006 2:06 pm
Location: North East Ohio, USA
Contact:

Post by kene555 » Fri Mar 30, 2007 11:41 am

He walks to school with a rifle?

That's a bit noticeable, and how would you even get inside, with students around? Wouldn't they notice the kid everyone makes fun of walking up with a gun? Either have him sneak in somewhere or have him use a smaller gun. An automatic?
CREATE FOR THE SAKE OF CREATING

http://www.neighborhoodstudios.com

User avatar
kene555
Forum Addict
Forum Addict
Posts: 576
Joined: Wed Aug 09, 2006 2:06 pm
Location: North East Ohio, USA
Contact:

Post by kene555 » Fri Mar 30, 2007 11:44 am

Police cars for a huge school shooting? If you can, put some SWAT trucks in there, maybe by 3D or photoshop if the outside shot is on a tripod.
CREATE FOR THE SAKE OF CREATING

http://www.neighborhoodstudios.com

User avatar
kene555
Forum Addict
Forum Addict
Posts: 576
Joined: Wed Aug 09, 2006 2:06 pm
Location: North East Ohio, USA
Contact:

Post by kene555 » Fri Mar 30, 2007 9:10 pm

page 28 -
MIKE WALKS UP THE STAIRS LEADING TO THE MAIN ENTRANCE. HE OPENS THE DOOR AND ENTERS THE MAIN CORRIDOR.

A GROUP OF STUDENTS LOOK UP AND SMILE AT MIKE.

MIKE AIMS THE RIFLE AT THE GROUP AND FIRES AT RANDOM.

THE STUDENTS FALL DOWN DEAD.

No one likes Mike, so why does the group smile at him? Maybe have the group looking at pictures of Mike, taken by someone at the party with a cell phone. Give us a reason for the smile.

Hopefully you have 3D animation software for the helicopter scene.

Where are you going to get all these people - 5-10 cops, 6 or so SWAT, news crew, 25 or so people in the crowd...

good luck with this.

All in All, this is really well written. It tells the story of bullying and the consequences, and does so in a compelling way. We are able to sympathize with Mike.
In this scene: PETE AND RAY ARE STOOD BEHIND HIM WITH BASEBALL BATS.
MIKE IN LIGHTENING SPEED AIMS THE RIFLE AT PETE AND RAY AND FIRES.

THE BULLET PASSES THROUGH BOTH PETE AND RAY’S HEADS SIMULTANEOUSLY.

How will you do this scene, with Pete and Ray standing sidebyside in front of Mike?

I like the ending a lot:
THE CAMERA DRAWS BACK AND DISPLAYS MIKE’S IMAGE ON A TV SCREEN.


VO: Michael Warner claimed the lives of fourteen students and teachers including his own father, during today’s massacre. Warner’s motives are unclear, but it is thought that he was possibly the victim of bullying…….

A TWELVE YEAR OLD BOY IS SAT IN THE LIVING ROOM, DRAWING. THE CAMERA SHOOTS OVER HIS SHOULDER. THE BOY IS DRAWING A SELF PORTRAIT OF HIMSELF SHOOTING ANOTHER BOY.

THE BOY LOOKS AT THE CAMERA.

THE SCENE FADES TO BLACK

It shows the vicious cycle of bullying, and how it always happens again.

When Johnny is thrown out a window onto a cop car, how will you accomplish this?

I am excited to see this film. If you can pull this off, it could definitely win something.

With all the language, you may not want to make this a gift to the principal. ;)

Good luck
CREATE FOR THE SAKE OF CREATING

http://www.neighborhoodstudios.com

User avatar
kene555
Forum Addict
Forum Addict
Posts: 576
Joined: Wed Aug 09, 2006 2:06 pm
Location: North East Ohio, USA
Contact:

Post by kene555 » Fri Mar 30, 2007 9:26 pm

If you can get this done in time for next year, see about entering your film here

http://www.chicagofilmfestival.org/cgi-bin/WebObjects/CIFFSite.woa/wa/pages/FutureFilmmakers

I just put a few entries in.
CREATE FOR THE SAKE OF CREATING

http://www.neighborhoodstudios.com

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest