"Merciful Choice" script

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TidalFilms
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"Merciful Choice" script

Post by TidalFilms »

I was just wondering if anyone would be interested in reading over a script for a ten minute short im going to start working on very shortly. Its called Merciful choice and it handles the issue of euthanasia.

Im not trying to be controversial or start up a debate so only post constructive criticism. If your interested post an address that you would like it emailed to and i will get it sent.

Thanks
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RE: "Merciful Choice" script

Post by Jperson »

Yah sounds interesting again. I'll be up for it. Send to: information@tinite.com
Last edited by Jperson on Sat Feb 03, 2007 9:47 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by TidalFilms »

Well, i hope this is ok but im going to post it up since its been copy written etc. and i hope a few more people will take a look. It looks long but in reality only takes ten minutes to read. Shooting begins 20th of march and edited by mid april. Id really like to hear your guys opinion on this:


"MERCIFUL CHOICE"
Written by
Michael Brooks


Tidal Films Productions
Tag line: A choice is everyone’s to have.

FADE IN:
EXT. GARDEN - MORNING

Fade in from black to a shot of a garden being looked down on from a 2nd story window. It is a beautiful peaceful day. The only sounds are that of the breeze playing with the foliage.

HELEN (VOICE OVER)

This is the view from my window. The last bit of evidence I have that there is life outside this room. The funny thing is, this will be the last thing I ever see.

FADE TO:
INT. HELENS ROOM - DAY

A young woman, twenty or so with long blonde hair is lying in her bed. She is surrounded by sterile white medical equipment. A heart rate monitor in the corner beeps in its consistent pitch every few seconds. From the expressionless look on her face and complete lack of movement we can tell she is unable to move. This is HELEN.

HELEN (VOICE OVER)
In one year I will be dead.
And in a way, I’m dead already.

Music starts to come in on this note.



FADE TO BLACK:
The music plays through and the sounds of birds singing happily is heard overtop. In bold letters the words “Merciful Choiceâ€
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angusware
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Post by angusware »

Perhaps stealing an opening line for a well known film isn't a good idea, because it makes you look cheap.

Things I Noticed:
1.Your is a word descibing the possesion of a certain thing, you're is the contraction of You Are, be careful with that.
Were and We're: We were doing something, but we're not now.
Know and No: I know that no knowing person knows no fear.
Feels and Fills: I was very concerned when he felt his box with 5 years of possesion(s).

2.Commas: Be careful that you don't make a sentence interrupted by a comma e.g. "She'll die in 6 months, to a year." This makes it seem interrupted and weird.

3.The doctor wouldn't be emotional about killing her, because doctors are trained to be impartial and uninvolved in non-medical decisions.

4.You don't really explain Euthanasia, perhaps making one of the guys ask what it is before they start arguing?

5.Why would she go Home as her condition intensified? It doesn't really make sense. Normally patients that are not expected to recover are sent to a special hospital, but certainly not home.

6.Even if James did want to put her at rest, he would not perform the injection, that doctor sounds very shifty to me.

7."MARK:
You went to that doctor behind my back! You were going to kill her whilst I was out! You claim you love her!!

JAMES
It’s because I love her"
Perhaps "Its because I Do Love her" sounds better, it seems repetitive without the Do, and either way it's a cliche.

8.Her killing herslef is very unbelevable, even if it is good story telling. People have been known to die directly after something happens, after fighting a disease for years. People can kill themselves with thier own will.

9.Check the Wikipedia pafge on Euthanasia, because the final text at the end is innacurate.

10. The doctor comes across as a bit shifty and sounds like he wants her organs or something. He really does want her to die.


Overall I liked it, a nice drama to replace the vampires! Be sure to make acting and camera work drive the mood of the scene. There was a film on here a couple of weeks ago that appeared to have no writing and relied entirely on Music to drive the emotion and it didn't work.

Good Luck!
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Post by Almondo99 »

9.Check the Wikipedia pafge on Euthanasia, because the final text at the end is innacurate.
Because everyone knows Wikipedia is 100% accurate.


Nice script, some grammar problems, but the story was good. The voice overs seem long, what footage/shots will it be under? I learned (the hard way) that people tend to get bored in those long V.O.s.
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Post by angusware »

Almondo99 wrote:
9.Check the Wikipedia pafge on Euthanasia, because the final text at the end is innacurate.
Because everyone knows Wikipedia is 100% accurate.


Nice script, some grammar problems, but the story was good. The voice overs seem long, what footage/shots will it be under? I learned (the hard way) that people tend to get bored in those long V.O.s.
SDo therefore the innaccuracies are a complete excuse to not research at all? All I'm saying is that perhpas some more research would be in order, as not only Holland allows people to legally kill someone. It is legal in Australia (Nortern Territory) and many other places.
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Post by Almondo99 »

So therefore that's not what I said at all. A medical website would be a better, and more reliable resource.
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Post by TidalFilms »

"Perhaps stealing an opening line for a well known film isn't a good idea, because it makes you look cheap. "

Believe it or not i never intended to steal that line. American Beauty is a film ive seen a few times and really enjoy. I always thought that line was to good to be original. I shall re work this sentence. Thanks for high lighting this for me.

Thanks for the grammatical advice. Im dyslexic and its something ive struggled with since being a child. I shall make sure i make the appropriate changes.

"You don't really explain Euthanasia, perhaps making one of the guys ask what it is before they start arguing?"

Ok good point, i wasn't sure the script needed it but i guess if you've highlighted it i should add it in the scene where the doc is explaining all options to both mark and james.

"The doctor wouldn't be emotional about killing her, because doctors are trained to be impartial and uninvolved in nonmedical decisions."

My thinking was that the doc had been the family doctor for many years and had gained some emotional attachment to the family. Unprofessional yes, but i guess its something that happens and its something ive seen in films before.

What do you think would work better?
1. I flesh out the back story of the doctor in the script so the audience know this. Maybe he even confess his attachment to the situation compromises his professionally.
2 I rewrite the character to be completely professional and just the guy who suggests the idea

"Why would she go Home as her condition intensified? It doesn't really make sense. Normally patients that are not expected to recover are sent to a special hospital, but certainly not home. "

i believe this statement to be incorrect. Many patients in such conditions are looked after by members of their families if there is nothing that can be done for them. These people are called carers and even receive benefits from the government to do so.

"6.Even if James did want to put her at rest, he would not perform the injection, that doctor sounds very shifty to me. "

Ok good point again. I shall rewrite it so that james arranges for the doctor to come round and perform the injection. Do you think this will work?

"Perhaps "Its because I Do Love her" sounds better, it seems repetitive without the Do, and either way it's a cliché. "

I agree some changes need to be made here. But i really cant think of a way to put the same meaning across without it becoming an over used cliché. Any ideas?

"Her killing herself is very unbelievable, even if it is good story telling. People have been known to die directly after something happens, after fighting a disease for years. People can kill themselves with their own will. "

Right so your not a fan of this ending. If she was to kill herself by her own will i dont no how to communicate it to the audience that is what she is doing. But on top of that, it is important to the story that Mark and James are aware that she has taken her own life. Any ideas on how i could go about this?

"The doctor comes across as a bit shifty and sounds like he wants her organs or something. He really does want her to die."

I shall make a rewrite so it is clear that he only has her best interests at heart. He is aware of the amount of pain she is under and cares for her a lot.

At the time of writing the closing facts they were the information i had got from medical and legal websites. Not facts i had made up. But if you are suggesting they are incorrect i shall do more research.

Almondo99 thanks for the thoughts on the voice over, i shall look at making sure the shots that are used are enough to keep the attention of the audience.

I really appreciate the things you've brought up here. There is some really good constructive criticism and i feel my script and my film will benefit from this discussion. Let me know your thoughts on the things ive discussed.
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